Heartless - Printable Version
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Heartless - Melody Crouch - June 15, 2020
'Cause I can't see nothin' but darkness
Late Evening June 12th, 1890 — Crouch Home, Swallowbury
It felt like a lifetime ago that Melody left her home to visit with Lucy, and yet somehow only few days had passed. The babe, while significantly smaller than any baby had the right to be, was still alive. But Lucy...a fresh wave of tears flowed at the thought. Lucy was gone. Dead. Extinguished as easily as a candle's flame. What sense was there in the world that she, the one who'd taken the risky potion and made the foolish decisions, had survived while her cousin, who made every right decision after eloping, was gone?
Melody swiped at her eyes as she made her way up the stairs. Staying in the old Flint manor without any of her family was odd, and it was made quite obvious her presence was no longer wanted. The Lukeson's would care for the baby, they'd ensure the last piece of Lucy survived. Taking the baby blanket had been an impulsive decision, but she didn't trust any of Ace's family to complete it properly. It was Melody who sat besides Lucy during their countless embroidery lessons, after all. Just as comforting Lucy during the birth had been her task, completing the half finished blanket was now her task. Finally, a purpose. Just of the worst kind.
She walked past her bedroom door without thinking, opening her husband's instead. The candles were still lit, but he wasn't within obvious sight. "Ben?" Melody called out, her voice near breaking.
RE: Heartless - Reuben Crouch - June 17, 2020
Ben had been more aware of Melody's absence in the past few days than he would have thought. It wasn't as though they were particularly close when she was home, or that they spent very much time together or had lengthy conversations. Now that she was gone, though, the house was very conspicuously empty. He had found his mind drifting to her and her last letter several times over the past few days, but aside from his initial response he hadn't followed up. He hadn't felt it was his place. That probably seemed ridiculous. He was her husband, after all — both her family and her emotional life were well within the realm of things that he was supposed to concern himself with. Given how cool they had been to each other since their elopement, however, it just didn't seem natural to try and insert himself into what he assumed must have been a very personal and intimate moment in time.
He hadn't known she was coming home today, so he was surprised to hear her voice, and even more surprised that she'd come to his bedroom. He wasn't actually in his room, but a few feet beyond it — he'd opened the window and climbed out onto the gently pitched roof, where it was possible to see the stars spreading over the expanse of trees and distant hills that stretched out between Irvingly and Hogsmeade. He thought about climbing back in, but he wasn't sure how that would look — like he'd been caught doing something he shouldn't, he suspected, and was scrambling to try and get back in before he was caught. She'd see him, though, if she was still in the room, so what was the point of that?
"Out here," he called gently instead, staying put on the rooftop.
RE: Heartless - Melody Crouch - June 17, 2020
Had the events of the past two days not drained her in such an intense manner Melody might have had the thought to question why Ben was sitting on their rooftop. As it was, she blindly followed his voice towards the open window, pausing only as she figured out how to boost herself out. Later, perhaps once she figured out how to breathe without the ache of losing Lucy, she might question his affinity for rooftops.
Melody sat besides him in silence for several minutes, her arms wrapped tight around her filthy dress. He had to know what happened by her prolonged absence and her speechlessness, as she had no words, no way to explain. Lucy's son was motherless, left to a family of which Melody had no knowledge. How was this happening? How had Lucy gone from healthy to dead in the span of twenty four hours?
She turned her head to look at Ben with tear stained cheeks. "Lu -" Melody wasn't even able to finish her cousin's name without breaking down once more, only this time she leaned into him for support.
RE: Heartless - Reuben Crouch - June 23, 2020
Ben actually hadn't pieced together anything about her cousin, yet. He knew the worst was possible, of course, because it always was when women were giving birth (and particularly if they were doing so earlier than planned). He hadn't wanted to leap to conclusions, though, particularly knowing as little about Melody's family and the dynamic between her and her cousins as he did. She'd told him they were close; maybe close meant that a stay might regularly be prolonged by several days, even when nothing was dramatically the matter.
Once she crawled out onto the rooftop, though, his uncertainty about what had happened quickly dissipated. It was almost like there was some tangible thing that she'd brought out into the cool night air with her; a cloud of tension and sorrow that hung between them now. Should he say something? Presumably that was what she wanted, if she'd come out here after him, but what could he possibly say? He didn't want to look at her too directly, because that would force him to come up with something. Looking out at the scenery gave him an excuse to put it off for at least another second. Even so, he could tell she was a mess just from the corner of his eye.
Before he'd decided what to do, she'd ended up on his shoulder, crying. Ben moved reflexively to put an arm around her and made a light shushing noise — not to quiet her, but in an attempt to comfort her even though he had no idea what to say.
RE: Heartless - Melody Crouch - June 23, 2020
Melody leaned into his embrace and allowed herself to openly grieve her loss. Lucy was the last connection she had to her family that she had no doubts over reaching out. With Dorothy there was the concern of further reputation, especially considering how determined Dorothy was to ruin it herself. Melody had wasted so much time with Lucy, had purposely avoided her cousin for months because she hadn't wanted the blunt reminder of their differences. And now, Lucy was dead and there would be no further chances for connection.
Time passed, though whether it was minutes or hours Melody was wholly unaware. Eventually, her tears slowed and her breaths came in more even intervals. Releasing the grip she hadn't known she took on his shirt Melody shifted in his embrace to get more comfortable. "The baby is so small." She stated quietly. "It seems impossible that any baby abould be so small."
RE: Heartless - Reuben Crouch - June 28, 2020
Ben was content to let her sit there and cry for as long as she needed to. He knew that anything he could say right now wouldn't help; what she needed was an opportunity to take some time and process everything, and his trying to say something would only get in the way. He did wonder if he ought to do something, like offering her a handkerchief, but he didn't have one handy. He hadn't been planning on having this interaction, so it wasn't as though he'd equipped himself with anything. He wasn't even dressed for a day out and about in town, at the moment, since he'd been doing nothing except looking at the stars. He was just wearing a shirt and trousers, and the jacket where he might have stored things like that was hanging on a hook near his closet. Even his wand was back in his room and therefore very much out of reach.
He shifted his weight slightly when she readjusted her position, to better accommodate her, but otherwise didn't react to her statement right away. She'd used the present tense when talking about the baby, but he wasn't sure whether he should read into that or not. Would she have even seen the baby if it had passed away, though? He wasn't sure what the procedure was for things like this, but he hoped the answer was no. It would, understandably, be devastating for Melody to have to deal with the sight of a dead baby. Particularly one that had been born too soon. Ben didn't know how early this baby was, since he had never exactly been a bosom companion of either Mr. Lukeson or his new bride, but if his mind was making the comparison he was sure Melody's was, as well.
"Is the baby...?" he asked, not willing to put the second half of the question into words.
RE: Heartless - Melody Crouch - June 28, 2020
Melody carelessly wiped the sleeve of her dress across her nose, a particularly graceless motion that she would've been horrified by in any other scenario. But what did snot on the sleeve of her already filthy dress matter in light of what had happened to Lucy? Mercifully, she hadn't been present for Lucy's final breaths, but she'd seen enough to know Lucy suffered. It wasn't the gentle death they believed prescribed to all women of their station. It was horrific, and Lucy was dead.
"Alive, for now." Melody answered in her continued quiet tone. "A boy, named for Ace's father. The healers are optimistic." Which was something, she supposed. At least something of Lucy would survive in the boy, even if he knew nothing of his mother. "I went to have tea with her, and she was in obvious discomfort. But she made me wait to call the healers...do you think...is this...did I do this to her?" The last of her questions were asked in a mere whisper, as though she hadn't yet contemplated the answers herself. Tears she didn't register began to stream down her cheeks once more. "Is this my fault?"
RE: Heartless - Reuben Crouch - June 28, 2020
"No," Ben answered firmly and immediately. He had some experience grieving a loved one, since he'd lost both of his parents when he was still hardly even a man, and he knew how dangerous and nonproductive that sort of thinking could be. "Would she have done anything differently if you hadn't been there? If she didn't want to call the healers, she wouldn't have called them. And who knows whether they would've been able to do anything, anyway," he said, shaking his head.
He waited a moment, hoping that she would take his words to heart. Life had hardly been easy for Melody recently, and the last thing she needed was to sink in to depression while she blamed herself for something that was unequivocally not her fault. "She's probably glad you were there," he said after a long moment. "So she had someone with her."
RE: Heartless - Melody Crouch - June 28, 2020
Although Ben was right, there would always be a piece of Melody that wondered. The bleeding had begun abruptly, after all. Perhaps if the healers had the chance to fully diagnose her before it began Lucy might've had a chance. Perhaps those few minutes between when Melody first became alarmed and when she finally alerted the butler to summon the healers were the difference between life and death.
"I told her some of the truth of us." Melody admitted with a sigh. "She was in pain and in need of a shocking distraction and it was all that came to mind." It wasn't as though Lucy could tell anyone else now. Melody still couldn't quite grasp that concept. "It didn't stay a topic for long. Her pains took over and we talked of little else...please don't be angry." It was not even the full story, after all, and Lucy hadn't heard most of it because of her labor pains.
RE: Heartless - Reuben Crouch - June 28, 2020
That did feel like a betrayal, but he supposed it didn't matter now. She could have gotten better, and then she would have known something that no one else was suppose to know — but that hadn't happened, so what was he supposed to say about it? Ben looked out over the tops of the trees. He didn't want Melody to think he was mad at her, because that would hardly be productive at a moment like this, but he couldn't exactly bring himself to come out and condone that sort of thing. How did that even work, anyway? Ben had been in pain several times in his life (albeit not on his deathbed, so maybe it was different), and he'd never been in dire need of gossip to distract him. Were women really wired so differently that that would work for them?
"Well," he said a little uneasily. "If it helped."
RE: Heartless - Melody Crouch - June 28, 2020
That was a secret she should've kept. There she was, always ruining things between them somehow or another. It was just another strike against her that Ben could resent. Melody sighed heavily and swiped at her tears again, this time withdrawing from his embrace to do so. It'd been wrong of her to take comfort in his embrace, just as it was wrong of her to share with Lucy.
"It's never come up with anyone else, I swear." She said, trying to swallow back her grief in order to prevent Ben from withdrawing from her as he did upon their return from Paris (and before they left, if she was being truthful). "It was more of my own fears than the truth of what happened...it distracted her for a few minutes at least...long enough for the healers to come. I shouldn't have said any of it, though, I know that."
RE: Heartless - Reuben Crouch - June 29, 2020
No, she shouldn't have said anything, but what good would it be to say that? She said she knew, but this was just more of the same thing that had been plaguing him their entire married relationship. If she knew that she shouldn't go making important decisions that affected both of them on a whim, without consulting him, then why did it keep coming up every few weeks? The elopement, the abortion, and now this — sharing their secret. She may have been under a great deal of stress in the moment, but Ben had found himself stressed plenty of times since he'd first discovered what she'd done. He hadn't told Aldous the truth, mere hours after they'd married when there was still a chance of annulment. He hadn't told Art, when they'd been exchanging letters from Paris and he'd been hoping to drown himself in whiskey. He could be trusted with secrets, it seemed, while she could not.
But what good would it do to restart the same fight? Nothing would change, and it would just make her feel worse when she was already feeling awful. Besides, nothing had happened... this time.
"It's fine," he said, meaning let's stop talking about it. "That must have been hard for you. Being there when it started."
RE: Heartless - Melody Crouch - June 29, 2020
"It was, yeah." Melody sighed. "She wouldn't allow me to summon her husband home. She wanted to spare him stress." Funny how them women were always sacrificing their own needs to spare their husbands. Even if in Melody's case Ben's feelings hadn't been spared. "I tried to tell her she would want his comfort, even if he could only stay in the room for a minute or two. Something was better than nothing." Melody thought of Paris and how Ben had held her until he had to leave for work after she took the potion as she spoke. Having him there hadn't been her plan, but she'd been thankful for it in the end.
She sighed again and stared out towards the stars. "He came home to the chaos. I had to explain to him what was happening."
RE: Heartless - Reuben Crouch - July 1, 2020
Ben knew that he'd turned the conversation this direction, but he was uncomfortable with the way it was developing all the same. This was more detail than he was anticipating. He'd preferred when she'd just been sitting next to him in silence and the only thing required of him was to stay still and have a vaguely comforting presence. This... was he supposed to say something in response, or just let her talk? What would he say? Any commentary on her cousin's situation and her relationship with her husband would reflect back on the two of them, he thought. It jarred him to hear her talking about trying to get Mr. Lukeson informed of the situation as early as possible, and to recount Mrs. Lukeson's reservations on that front. Was this a family trait, hiding things from husbands in order to spare their feelings? Or was this something all women did, and Ben had just never been in a position to encounter it before he got married?
He wasn't trying to start that fight, though, and so he wasn't going to comment on that. What could he say? Agree with her that Mr. Lukeson's presence would have been a boon? Would Ben's company have helped her, if the situation had been happening to them?
He shifted his weight and moved his feet a bit, obviously uncomfortable. "I'm sorry you had to do that," he eventually said. "That shouldn't have been your responsibility."
RE: Heartless - Melody Crouch - July 2, 2020
Who's responsibility would it have been, if not hers? At what point would the staff have noticed how unwell Lucy was and called for help? How long had Lucy been unwell and they ignored her pain and obeyed her wishes? Melody bit back a surge of frustration at the situation and once again swiped uselessly at her face. The tears weren't likely to stop anytime soon, much as she hoped otherwise.
She turned from the endless starry night back towards her husband. Perhaps it was a good thing aborted their child, at least now Ben wouldn't have to suffer through the agony of pretending to mourn her. (Melody wondered not for the first time if Ben would truly mourn her or whether he'd be relieved to be free. She hoped for the latter but knew it to be the former.) "Someone had to bear that burden. Why not me?" The way Ace's face transformed upon the news would always haunt her memories, and for him Melody would always be the one who popped his fairy tale bubble.
"Do you believe in heaven, Ben?" Melody then asked abruptly, not allowing him any time to pull her from wallowing in her pit of guilt.
RE: Heartless - Reuben Crouch - August 18, 2020
Heaven? Ben wasn't sure he had ever given the matter much serious thought. He was a Christian, he supposed, but he hadn't been attending church ... well, religiously. After he'd left his brother's home he'd really given the matter no further thought until after he and Melody had married, and he was having to do things like go to church on Easter Sunday.
"I guess," he said uncertainly. "I don't think about it very much."