16th of March, 1888

Ben Crouch and I had our ending, though not a happy one.

He kissed me and it was great and I thought that he truly loved me at the time, but I was wrong. Ben doesn't love me, no more than he'd like some whore. He told me himself that all he wanted from me was to have fun and that being married to me would be the most horrible thing in the world. He tried to accuse me of, I don't know, being a terrible person for not sharing this view. For not seeing the problem with just messing around and having fun.

He is exactly the kind of man I was warned about, as much as it pains me to admit it. He's selfish and because things are easy for him he thinks it's as easy on others. It's easy to talk about freedom and having fun when you're a man.

The thing is, I wish I could be the girl he wants me to be. I'm sure I would be a lot happier if I could run around kissing whomever I want. But then I would be ruined and there would be no one to take care of me, because Ben would throw me away and I'd have no special skills to do something for a living. As if I could work as a fallen woman anyway.

I thought that Ben could be the only man who could make me happy, but I was wrong. I could be happy with someone like Evey's husband. Or Regan. I could marry someone like Regan and we would have our fun without me having to sacrifice everything for him.

Ben is only good for whores and Americans.

E