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on the right side of rock bottom - Printable Version

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on the right side of rock bottom - Dean Hudson - February 15, 2025

February 8th, 1895 - Dean's House

It was far later than he thought he'd be getting home. The smell of cheap cigarettes and sweat clung to his shirt, but Sage had only made a comment in passing as she'd patched up his knuckles and the gash in his eyebrow. Her subtle disapproval ran deeper than he expected, but he wasn't about to question her as she wouldn't do the same to him. It had been years since he'd asked her to do this for him and he paid her handsomely for her careful attention to make everything disappear as best she could. She always balked and he always insisted until she gave in.

He hadn't intended to get involved tonight, just to watch. It had been a while since Dean had subjected himself to the ring, but he could feel this unexpected, strange, caged energy under his skin and it turned out to be the right sort of outlet to get the feeling to ebb. He wasn't exactly sure what was causing it, but he hadn't bothered to give it much thought, just figured out a way to get rid of it. It hadn't been pretty, he was out of practice, but he'd needed it regardless. Better to lose some money on the fight than to lose his sanity into the what ifs that kept him up at night.

Now he desperately needed a bath to get the remnants off his skin and to sooth the bruise that was no doubt blooming on his side. There was nothing to be done for that except to ignore it, so he would figure out an excuse if he was questioned. No Hanna tonight and he suspected if Don Juan was waiting for him, it was possible he might be sleeping. It would be easier, but Sage had done her job well and Dean had been careful not to get any blood on his shirt, so he figured he could talk his way out of any questions.

In that thought process, he headed straight home after walking back from the center of town, to give himself more time to cool off, and headed straight into the washroom to start cleaning himself up.


Don Juan Dempsey



RE: on the right side of rock bottom - Don Juan Dempsey - February 15, 2025

There were some days where Don Juan didn't miss his old habits at all, but today hadn't been one of them. He hadn't had plans tonight and he'd come by here earlier to see if Dean was free for dinner, but the house had already been empty when he'd arrived. He'd checked the datebook in the study (without reservation; it never occurred to him that Dean would keep a secret, at least not from him) and saw it was empty of events, and presumed that meant he was out with the woman. Hanna. He'd shrugged off the idea of dinner and gone to the club. He'd been there for two hours and everything was fine, but then a sort-of-friend had showed up and Don Juan could tell immediately that he was high, and it set the inside of his skull to itching.

He tried running through all the ways it had destroyed him before, but as it turned out that wasn't a very good strategy to take his mind off things. He kept thinking of the languid smile and the looseness of his limbs. That bloke was enjoying his night. Don Juan was torturing himself with the worst things he could remember. His hands were starting to feel shaky. He finished his drink at the club and went back to Dean's, not expecting him to be home but wanting to be there all the same, to surround himself with things that felt solid and real and valuable. He slipped out of everything that could reasonably be considered an outer layer and curled up in Dean's bed, though he didn't get ready for sleep. If Hudson came back with company then he wanted to be ready to leave again with little ado; he didn't want to make this a thing, though he knew Hudson probably would regardless. He didn't want to be disruptive to Hudson's life, though he already was. He didn't want to be as fragile as Hudson always thought he was.

The noise when someone came in was the front door, not the floo, which meant it was almost impossible that Hudson had brought someone else home. Don Juan crawled out of bed and stuck his head through the door into the hallway just to be sure. His hair was misshapen by the pillows. "Hey," he called to alert Hudson that he was here, but saw he was heading towards the lavatory and didn't try to follow.



RE: on the right side of rock bottom - Dean Hudson - February 15, 2025

Dean caught Don Juan's greeting right after he'd stepped into the washroom, so he poked his head back out to assess the mood before he decided what to do next. Had Don Juan been waiting long? If he had, what was he thinking? Dean wasn't usually the one out late doing illicit things and frankly he knew Don Juan wasn't anymore either, so he had to wonder if this was conspicuous. "I was going to take a bath, do you want to join?" Dean didn't like the guilt that welled up; he didn't like hiding things, but he also didn't think Don Juan would like his new hobby and he would have questions that Dean wasn't sure he could answer. He still wasn't sure exactly where this feeling was coming from and he was desperately trying to keep himself extremely neutral and grounded in his mannerisms and everything else.

"I can just wash up, otherwise?" He offered as an alternative with a lopsided smile. He was exhausted and a little sore and a little emotionally drained, but he could tuck that all aside if needed. Dean had always been good at that, compartmentalizing, putting himself at the bottom of the needs list.




RE: on the right side of rock bottom - Don Juan Dempsey - February 15, 2025

Hudson's smile quieted what was left of the itch in the back of his brain. He was on the right side of things now that he was sober, and coming here had been the right idea. Don Juan returned it. "I'll join you," he agreed. A bath sounded nice — gentle, relaxing, exactly what he needed on a night like this. Normally the alternative would have been a compelling option as well, but he still hadn't entirely pushed away the guilt when they had sex. Dean was being entirely lovely about it, but no matter how little he professed to mind Don Juan still felt there was a specter hanging over it when they started. The knowledge that they were going slow and being especially gentle because Don Juan was broken and hadn't found a way to fix himself yet.

He unbuttoned his shirt on the way to the washroom and abandoned it at the door while he slipped his suspenders off. By that point he was close enough to shift his attention to Hudson and stopped undressing himself. He went to sit against the edge of the sink and pulled Hudson over to him. He kissed him, slow and tender, and started to work through Hudson's clothes, beginning by slipping his jacket off his shoulders.



RE: on the right side of rock bottom - Dean Hudson - February 15, 2025

He was thankfully spared any questions altogether by the kiss. This was always good way to dispel any of the lingering dissatisfaction under his skin. The adjustment to their sex life had been easy enough; Dean didn't have any issues or qualms about taking it slow and following Don Juan's lead. In fact it was a good challenge, making him slow down and not to rely on some of his old habits. He really didn't mind even if he suspected that the underlying reason was fueling this unplaced energy he'd gotten out tonight.

Shrugging out of the jacket was easy enough, but Dean had a nagging feeling the unformed bruise on his side was going to become a problem soon enough. He would do his best to ignore it and hold in any reactions. It was easier said than done however, as he tried to let it go and surrender into the closeness without it sitting in the back of his brain. He let his hands wander gently, leaving room for Don Juan to get at the buttons of his shirt and slip that off too. There was little else that could settle his thoughts like the feeling of skin on skin.

After a moment of shedding layers, Dean broke away, breathless and feeling better. "Hi," he chuckled as he stepped back, pulling Don Juan with him slowly, so he could start the tap on the tub. "Missed you today," he mumbled as he applied himself to pressing a line of slow kisses along Don Juan's shoulder.




RE: on the right side of rock bottom - Don Juan Dempsey - February 15, 2025

Don Juan looked almost bashful at that. He'd been with a lot of people throughout his life and plenty of them had said this to him in a teasing or suggestive way, but it was novel and charming to hear it from someone who might have really meant it. He could have said it back, but missed you seemed insufficient for Don Juan's experience tonight at the club, until he'd made it back to Hudson's house, or for the moments alone in Hudson's bed where he'd contented himself with the idea of Hudson in his absence. He could just as honestly have said I was drowning without you or I ached for you. But Hudson would take that too much to heart, and the last thing Don Juan wanted to do was to give Dean another reason to worry, another way to rearrange his life to better support Don Juan, and another thing for Don Juan to feel guilty about.

"Oh, I doubt it," Don Juan teased instead. Nothing sincere he could say, so jokes would have to do instead. He leaned his shoulder in to Dean's trailing kisses. "I'm sure you had plenty of fun without me." He had probably been wrong with his earlier guess that Hudson was seeing Hanna tonight, but he'd certainly been somewhere; he was home late and his clothes smelled like someone else's cigarettes.



RE: on the right side of rock bottom - Dean Hudson - February 15, 2025

Fun was not exactly what he would have called his venture tonight. It had been needed and done the trick, but getting the shit kicked out of him wasn't exactly a good time. It sounded like Don Juan thought he'd been with someone else, not just somewhere else, and Dean didn't know how to explain that away without giving up his actual location. Honestly, Dean didn't have the time or the inclination to be with anybody else. For once, where he stood, he was perfectly happy with what he did have and he was trying very hard not to screw it up while things were still so fragile.

"I mean it," sometimes he worried he came off too strong, but sometimes he also thought Don Juan needed to hear it; mostly because Dean didn't think he took him seriously sometimes. It was part of the balance he was trying to figure out still. It had only been a couple of weeks, but there was still nearly a decade's worth of emotions behind them that Dean always leaned into, despite the gaps. Dean was treading carefully physically lately, but he had never been careless or halfhearted in what he said.




RE: on the right side of rock bottom - Don Juan Dempsey - February 15, 2025

Hudson was so earnest it was uncomfortable. When Dean looked at him like that Don Juan always worried he would see too much of him. At the same time there was something bolstering about the steadiness of his gaze; whatever Dean saw when he looked at Don Juan so deeply, he never flinched away.

Maybe he could tell Dean that he was here tonight because he'd been thinking about using again. Maybe he could say that magic or no magic, having Hudson's bed to come back to was the only thing that had prevented him from trying. Hudson would still love him... but he would also think twice before the next time he left the house in the evening, wondering if he ought to stay home in case Don Juan came crawling in, desperate for him. He didn't want Hudson sitting at home every night waiting to be needed.

He didn't say anything. Instead he moved in and wrapped his arms around Hudson in a sudden tight embrace.



RE: on the right side of rock bottom - Dean Hudson - February 15, 2025

Dean sucked in a breath and held it as Don Juan wrapped his arms tightly around the sore spot in his side. Of each of the injuries inflicted on him tonight, this was nothing, he could grin and bear it. He returned the embrace more gently, still afraid to hold on too tight, in both ways, so he wound his arms around Don Juan's shoulders and ran one hand gently through his hair. "What's wrong?" He asked, uncertain. Had his late night set something off? Fessing up would only add unnecessary strain, but he would if it soothed other, bigger worries.

It took all of his willpower not to squirm against of the discomfort in his side, but he waited it out, breathing deeply through his nose. It would be harder to hide once the bruise was visible, but he'd gotten some salve that should make it fade more quickly. He'd be off to Greece for the first half of next week and that would give it some time to heal without alerting anyone to its presence or the reason for it.




RE: on the right side of rock bottom - Don Juan Dempsey - February 15, 2025

Don Juan could tell in his body language something was wrong. It wasn't that Hudson tensed, exactly, but rather that he didn't relax into the embrace the way Don Juan would have expected him to. His brows knit in concern, but he couldn't parse what was wrong, at least not until Dean spoke. He loosened his grip on Dean as he let out a long breath, feeling disappointed in himself. He'd given the game away all the same. He hadn't even had to say anything for Hudson to piece together that he'd been a mess.

He wasn't going to say anything, he determined. It wasn't Hudson's job to chase his demons away, and it wasn't fair to expect him to be here whenever Don Juan happened to need him. Hudson couldn't stay sober for him; he had to do some of this himself.

"Nothing," he said, putting on a smile as he pulled back. "Don't worry about me. Let's get the water going."



RE: on the right side of rock bottom - Dean Hudson - February 15, 2025

The physical relief was immediate, his side dulling to a bearable ache instead of a stab into his skin. That relief however, was slowly filled up with concern as he sat himself on the edge of the tub, looking up at Don Juan with a furrow to his brows. He managed to contain the wince at the movement, but could feel the residual throb. The water would take a few minutes, the steam from what was already in the bottom clung to his skin which was better than the smell of foreign cigarettes.

He felt like he couldn't push, even if he didn't really believe that. "I love you, I'm allowed to worry whether it's necessary or not." He teased lightly, trying to keep an easier cadence than whatever it was they were both working through. Don Juan didn't need any particular reason to be at the house at this time of night, Dean had half-expected it anyway. Even in the past, when things were good between then, they practically shared a living space the majority of the time. Dean was still working through how exactly to balance Hanna's time in the house, but he'd figure it out.




RE: on the right side of rock bottom - Don Juan Dempsey - February 15, 2025

Don Juan looked over his shoulder at Hudson with chagrin. "And you'll worry whatever I say," he added. History had proven that to be the case, at least... not that Don Juan was complaining about it. Hudson had usually been right to worry, as it turned out in the end. Don Juan looked back down at the water and tentatively dipped a finger into the scalding stream, then pulled it back and adjusted one of the knobs on the tub. If he'd been high it wouldn't have bothered him. Griffith had practically boiled himself, the night of the overdose. Steam had filled the room and water had run over the floor, mixing with blood and broken glass.

Don Juan sat on the floor by the edge of the tub and wrapped one of his hands around Hudson's thighs. "Where were you tonight?" he asked, casually. He didn't mind, whatever it was; he'd asked because he wanted the distraction of listening to Hudson talk about something, anything.



RE: on the right side of rock bottom - Dean Hudson - February 16, 2025

That was true. Dean was getting better at giving Don Juan the benefit of the doubt, mostly because he knew there was nothing to worry about like he used to. His worries were more deeply rooted into whatever had happened that still hung over them like a cloud and it would take time for it to disappear, so he would worry until then.

Without time to come up with a good excuse, Dean thought a version of the truth would have to do. He sank to the floor next to Don Juan, listening to the water fill the tub for a moment before answering. "I have a friend that likes to fight over in London, been a while, so I went to watch a few rounds." This wasn't quite as dignified as boxing. Dean had started there, years ago, hoping it would be enough, but it wasn't. This was far less predictable, less rules, less stipulations, a little more ruthless and physical; exactly what he needed to feed the frenzied energy enough to get it out of his system.

"I would have come home sooner if you'd asked me to," he meant it. "I don't want you to feel like you can't ask me to do that, because I will." He leaned against Don Juan, pressing another kiss to his shoulder. Dean wasn't out much anymore anyway and he could keep this new hobby to a minimum; only once in a while when he couldn't stand the feelings any longer. The compulsive need to be there for his partners was bigger than his own needs.




RE: on the right side of rock bottom - Don Juan Dempsey - February 16, 2025

It had been a while since Don Juan had been to anything like that either, and he wouldn't have called it a favorite pasttime of his, so he didn't envy Dean his occupation for the evening. He could understand the appeal of being in a crowd, all engaged in the same thing, all sharing the same energy. But one could do that with Quidditch or racing or any number of other athletic events. Don Juan had struggled to appreciate any of the skill in fighting, such as it was, and without being able to understand the skill at work watching had always seemed gratuitous, voyeuristic in a way he didn't especially enjoy.

"I know," he said, leaning his forehead against the side of the tub. He reached for Dean's hand and laced their fingers together. "It wasn't a big deal." Or he was determined to make it not a big deal, one way or another. "I thought you were with..." he admitted, drifting off with a look of embarrassment rather than saying a name. Calling her Hanna felt presumptuous, but Hudson hadn't called her anything else. Don Juan half-shrugged, cheeks lightly flushed. "I didn't want to impose."



RE: on the right side of rock bottom - Dean Hudson - February 16, 2025

"Doesn't have to be, can just be because you want me home." As long as he wasn't entrenched in something important for work, Dean would drop whatever it was keeping him out. He was glad Don Juan knew it, because he really did mean it. He gave their joined hands a reassuring squeeze.

At the mention of Hanna, Dean stilled. This was new territory and he still hadn't quite figured out how much Don Juan wanted to know. He had said it was fine and Dean believed him, but he was having a sneaking suspicion that might have been just to placate him. He forced himself to relax and take a beat by looking over his shoulder at the water level. Close enough. He reached up to turn the taps off, feeling the silence of the room without the water running.

"Even if I was," Dean would have figured out how to get home. This was a conversation they should have and now was as good as a time as any. "But we should figure that out." He said as he pushed to his feet, holding out his hands to pull Don Juan up with him.




RE: on the right side of rock bottom - Don Juan Dempsey - February 16, 2025

This was becoming a whole thing very quickly, however much he'd wanted it not to be. Don Juan sighed as Dean pulled him up to his feet. "Or I could just stop having emergencies," he joked lamely. Not that he wanted Hudson to think tonight had been an emergency, but Hudson was always quick to jump to that conclusion. Which was no one's fault except Don Juan's, for having written him once when he was out of his mind at an opium den and once when he was drinking himself into a stupor on the edge of Loch Corrib. Hudson was being entirely reasonable in believing that any suggestion that he should be elsewhere constituted an emergency for Don Juan, and that was without even touching the suggestion that he'd have dropped all his plans for the evening even if it wasn't.

Don Juan worried his lower lip briefly. If Hudson wanted to talk about it then he supposed there was no getting around it. He didn't have much to say on the subject that hadn't already been said; none of his reservations had anything to do with this woman, only with himself. "I don't want to be the reason you're always running out on her," he said with a frown. He wouldn't have done the same for Hudson... not for a casual interaction, anyway. Obviously if Hudson had needed him he would have dropped everything to be there. Maybe that was the problem; with Don Juan it was hard to tell the difference.