It had been a long while since Daff had felt such bone-deep exhaustion, but definitely the first time it was for this reason. Her sleep problems had not been all that prevalent in the months since the wedding that she nearly forgot what it was like to be this tired. She was used to it though; had been able to keep this secret held fast until she could make sure. Her suspicion was going on a couple of weeks now, confirmed by Amaryllis yesterday afternoon during tea. The signs were subtle, the fatigue, a little nausea in the mornings (though nothing too terrible, thank goodness!) the aches in places she did not normally have them; another month gone without her normally very regular, very timely visitor. Hopefully she’d done a good job of keeping the symptoms to herself. Elias was almost too good at noticing any changes in her mood or activity and she didn’t want to worry him. Daff had learned her lesson there; she had promised to tell him about the good, the bad and the in between, and she was going to, she had just needed to make sure she was right before getting his hopes up. Because, nervous as she was, this was such good news.

She’d left the shop a little early yesterday, so that she could stop on the way home and pick up the present she’d gotten for Elias’ birthday. Daff hadn’t known what to get, but after careful consideration, had wound up purchasing a new pocket watch with a delicate daffodil engraved into the wooden back; a gorgeous inlay of tulip wood. She had to hope it wasn’t too expected and that, accompanied with knowledge that he would be a father by early next year would be enough. She had also brought home some carnations and the cake that Quin had made, along with some other treats, too and hidden them for later. Dinner was taken care of, just a quiet night in, just the two of them, and they could visit with family in the coming days.

She’d had every intention of getting up early, getting out all of the presents and ensuring breakfast was ready, but had slept through, later than normal. Her first clue was noticing Elias was not still in bed with her when she reached over. She managed to rouse herself enough to see the clock and consequently jumped out of bed and pulled on a dressing gown. She hadn’t bothered to tie it, or her hair back, as she went whipping down the stairs to the kitchen. ”I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to sleep so late!” She huffed, disappointed with herself. Four months in and she hadn’t even gotten the first birthday right!

"Nope, no, not an excuse." Daff ran her fingers through her hair to tame the tangles, frustrated energy needing an outlet. "I had it all planned out," she sighed. "I was going to make breakfast and get everything out and make sure it was all ready. I’m sorry." Brows furrowed, a frown tugging at the corners of her lips, she ran through her options in her head. Of all the days for her to start sleeping late. This baby was already ruining her sleep schedule in ways she hadn’t expected!

Hopefully she could still make up for it; better late than never right? She wound her hair into a simple, if still messy, braid and tucked it back into a bun with a pin she fished out of the pocket of her dressing gown. The day was not over yet, not even halfway, and she was going to fix it. ”Did you eat? I can still make pancakes?” It wasn’t quite lunch time yet, but she could make something else if he wanted.

While she waited for him to decide, she went to the cupboard where the flowers were hidden and pulled out the little vase of daffodils, carnations and irises. The irises had been a last-minute addition and though she knew he wouldn’t get the clue, alluded to the baby, due in February. It was more for her own amusement than anything else. She set them on the table and brushed a hand over his shoulder as she went to the next hiding place. She'd had more elaborate plans to decorate, but it might be a little too late for that.

The cake wasn’t for now, but she set it on the counter anyway, pulling the cover off and smiling a little to herself. She’d asked Quincey to make it in the shape of a pumpkin, just because she could, and bless him he hadn’t even asked her to explain why, just made her an adorable little pumpkin cake for two. She pulled out a few more things, fixings for pancakes, noting the tin of treats wasn’t exactly where she left it, but didn’t have time to think about it. As she straightened up, she felt the sudden rush of dizziness settle over her and she set the tin down harder than she meant to, bracing her hands against the countertop as she swayed. She blinked a few times, shaking her head slowly to help the feeling dissipate. When it didn’t, she inhaled deeply and blew out an unsteady breath, willing it to go away. Now was not the time for this!

”I’m okay,” she managed, anticipating a reaction from Elias. ”Ama warned me about that.” She mumbled to herself, frustration growing. If she had just gotten up at the right time, she wouldn’t have been so flustered, and she would have remembered. She was a mess this morning. The swimming feeling ebbed after another deep breath, but she didn’t dare move. Daff sighed heavily, trying to fight through the feeling; could she just restart today?

The last thing she had wanted to do was worry him; she had done too much of that already. Really, she wanted to tell him and had been anxiously waiting until it was a good time to do so. At the touch on her shoulder she turned into him, wrapping her arms around his middle. She wanted the grounding nature of the contact as much as she needed the stabilization. Daff hated to worry him, but this also wasn't how she thought she would get to tell him.

But, more than worrying him, she didn't want him to think there was something wrong when there wasn't. "I'm sorry, nothing's wrong," she assured him as she looked up at him after another steadying breath. The dizziness had dissipated and she was able to shake off the remnants of how unpleasant it had been. "I just got a little dizzy, I stood up too fast," the explanation made enough sense; she had a history of fainting after all. Ama had given her a whole list of things to be on the lookout for. Nothing bad, most of it normal, but still not every-day occurrences, all of it very new to her.

Looking up at him now, she felt the rest of the explanation stalled in her throat. The pause was unintentional; she was nervous and giddy with the anticipation. They had only been married a few months, was it too soon? What would it look like from here on out? How did you tell the person you loved most in the world something this big? Daff had thought of a hundred different ways and still nothing seemed to fit. She was going to have to just wing it. "It's ah," she bit her lip, holding back the smile, eyes on his so she didn't miss his reaction. "The baby's fault."

It took him a moment to register what she said, and Daff let the smile she'd been holding back spread across her features then. She nodded at his half-question. "That's why I went to see Ama yesterday." Her sister, both a healer and a mother, naturally had all of the answers to Daff's symptoms. She had tried to hide them from him to the best of her ability the last couple of weeks until she could confirm her suspicions so she didn't worry him unnecessarily.

"It's why I've been tired and it explains the dizziness." And the aches in her limbs and other places, the mild nausea, and everything else she had never attributed to pregnancy, but was feeling now. "I wanted to be sure before I told you." She had managed to worry him unnecessarily in just the last few minutes, it wouldn't have done either one of them any good if she had alluded to the possibility without being certain.

The more she thought about it though, the more the worry crept into her own thoughts, expression falling just a little to mirror the what ifs. Was it too soon? Would he worry about every little symptom she had? Daff had seen more than half of her sisters and her mother go through this, she knew what to expect, but could she handle it? What about the florist, her business? How was that going to be handled? Everything she'd had somewhat floating around in her mind over the last couple weeks was making itself known now and she found it all a little overwhelming. She tightened her hold on him just a little bit, trying dispel the thoughts to think about later.

Daff chuckled as he looked her up and down and then pulled her in close. She wrapped her arms around him again, allowing some of his enthusiasm to seep in and soothe away her concerns for the moment. He didn't seem to be worried about anything, not too soon, not what it might look like or change, nothing but how she was feeling, which was better than she had in a few weeks now that he knew. That grin on his face was worth holding back her worries for now. It was probably nothing anyway, she would get over this probably very normal, very natural reaction she was having. He was excited and that was all that mattered.

"I'm alright," she assured him quietly from where she was tucked against him. It was good that he knew, because she hated keeping secrets from him, even ones like this and now she didn't have to hide her symptoms, even though she probably would so she didn't worry him. He was always worried about her, she didn't want this to be just another thing on the list. Daff sighed softly, trying to shake away the thoughts and just enjoy the moment. She had already messed up the morning enough by now that she still ought to try and get herself together better.

When Elias let go, Daff knew she hadn't done a good job of pretending to be more excited. She was excited, she thought, deep down. There was just this overwhelming feeling that maybe she wasn't ready.

She felt unmoored with nothing to hold onto anymore and so she drifted to the edge of the counter to fiddle with the tin of treats. She couldn't quite look at him and so instead looked out the kitchen window at the gardens bursting with color in the morning sun. "Of course," she managed, with a quick glance his way and an uncertain smile. It was good news, she was happy on some level, but there was no good way to articulate what she was thinking. Daff didn't even know really what exactly to pinpoint as the reason for her uncertainty.

It wasn't easy to tell him she still felt a little out of place in this house; that she still had a collection of things at the bottom of her wardrobe that she had no idea where to put them or if she should even try to find a place. How could she tell him that she was still adjusting to being married and now they were going to have a baby and she was going to be a mother, when she'd barely learned how to be a wife? It was impossible now that she could feel the excitement practically vibrating off of him. In anticipation of his reaction and distracting herself by trying to prepare for his birthday, she supposed she hadn't actually stopped to think about her own. Now that their reactions were so mismatched, she didn't want to dampen his enthusiasm with her worries, but she couldn't lie to him either. They had promised to share everything, but she just couldn't find the words.

Daff worried her bottom lip, fingers tapping gently on the top of the tin as she wavered on what to say. She cast him another helpless glance, "But what if," she started, stopped, voice small. "What if I don't feel ready?"

The tears she'd been feeling coming on already hit fast when she finally looked over at him after he'd gone quiet. That excitement, the smile from a moment ago was lost; she had well and truly ruined it now. The news, his birthday, the moment, all of it. She felt the explanation bubble up, everything that had weighed on her since figuring it out, but she didn't know if it would help or only make him (or herself) feel worse.

"I'm sorry," she tried to blink back the tears. This wasn't fair of her. He should be excited; she should be excited. Daff wanted to be excited. His reaction was exactly what she had been looking for, maybe subconsciously hoping it would help her get there as well. It was good news, it was what naturally came next. She should have expected it.

And she still couldn't quite wrap her head around it.

Failing at containing the emotions, Daff buried her face in her hands, turning away for a moment, still trying to collect herself. How was she going to fix this now?

Daff hiccuped, turning into him gratefully. There were too many thoughts running through her head to make much sense of it, but she had to try right? The last thing she wanted was for him to think she wasn't happy about this. She didn't think that was it. Of course she wanted children, she came from a huge family after all. Two of her dearest sisters just had babies and hers would grow up with them and they would be as close as siblings.

Still — "It's just, I think I finally have a handle on the shop," nearly two years later. She sniffled, mumbling into his shirt because she couldn't bear the look on his face. "And I'm not even doing a good job at being a wife," she'd managed to somehow ruin his birthday and the announcement and his excitement in a matter of minutes. "How can I possibly add mum to that list and be any good at it?" Daff squeezed her eyes shut against the fresh wave of tears, trying not to let them get out of hand.

She should have just bottled it all up; he didn't have any idea what he was signing up for when he agreed for her to tell him everything. She had promised though, she wasn't going to break it, but sometimes she worried she was going to be too much and then what? What if he decided that he didn't want to deal with it?