I Don't Know How This River Runs - Printable Version
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I Don't Know How This River Runs - Zachariah Binns - May 27, 2022
May 22nd, 1892 — Zach's Cottage, Isle of Lewis, Scotland
Jupiter Smith
Jupiter Smith
Jo's departure had weighed on Zach's heart much of the evening. He'd tossed and turned until he'd given up on sleep completely and gone to, unsuccessfully, bury himself in a book until it was time to floo to the shop. While work offered him a distraction, it was fairly apparent to those around him that his heart just wasn't in it that day.
When it came time to close up, he had abruptly left, floo'd home, and then apparated to a nearby town he elected to purchase groceries in. He spent so much time choosing the correct ingredients that the shopkeeper asked after his health three times.
His distracted mind followed him home where he diligently cooked Jo's favorite of the handful of recipes he made, a simple, yet hearty stew that he was sure to add spices he'd picked up from his travels to. He was so engaged with the task that he didn't realize at first that her and Ilona had arrived until their daughter's babbling reached his ears.
"Forgive me, I--" Was distracted. Wasn't sure you would even come.
"Did you have a pleasant day?"
RE: I Don't Know How This River Runs - Jupiter Smith - May 27, 2022
As the hour approached to head to Zach's for the evening, Jo heavily contemplated ignoring their plans altogether. Her heart felt ripped open and wounded after their brief argument, and she felt too volatile to manage the frustrating small talk. There was also the added stress of having gotten only a few short hours of sleep, for Ilona hadn't slept well either. The distruption of their routine had led to the infant screaming for countless hours throughout the night, leaving Jo's nerves further frayed.
Were it not for her fear of Zach catching her unguarded in a misguided attempt to check on them, Jo would have certainly canceled the evening. However, she didn't dare risk him happening upon her whilst her emotions were bare and bubbling on the surface. Not after last night and how close they drew to destroying the fragile peace they'd carefully constructed these last few months.
Which meant come supper time Jo had readied them both and prepared herself for another tense, difficult evening. She then stepped through the floo and was (surprisingly) not greeted by Zach in the arm chair. He was, instead, in the kitchen preparing their meal. "It's okay," Jo returned before handing the baby over to properly say hello. Immediately, the cranky infant settled in her father's arms, almost as though it was him she had wanted all day.
"Pleasant enough. And yours?"
Were it not for her fear of Zach catching her unguarded in a misguided attempt to check on them, Jo would have certainly canceled the evening. However, she didn't dare risk him happening upon her whilst her emotions were bare and bubbling on the surface. Not after last night and how close they drew to destroying the fragile peace they'd carefully constructed these last few months.
Which meant come supper time Jo had readied them both and prepared herself for another tense, difficult evening. She then stepped through the floo and was (surprisingly) not greeted by Zach in the arm chair. He was, instead, in the kitchen preparing their meal. "It's okay," Jo returned before handing the baby over to properly say hello. Immediately, the cranky infant settled in her father's arms, almost as though it was him she had wanted all day.
"Pleasant enough. And yours?"
RE: I Don't Know How This River Runs - Zachariah Binns - June 29, 2022
Zach readily accepted the babe and held her gently in his arms. With one hand, he fondly smoothed some wisps of hair off of her forehead and softly greeted, "And hello to you, sweet one. Would you like to help stir?" The heat had already been lowered on the stove, but he held Ilona securely in case she attempted to wiggle toward. He guided her hands to the wooden spoon and folded his own over them. He started to gently go through the stirring motions, pretending as if she were being a big help.
He looked to Jo, "Pleasant, as well. Spring poetry night is coming up, so there's a lot of preparation for that." The small talk weighed on him, but, at least, they were speaking.
He gently tugged Ilona's hands away from the spoon, so he could move to a nearby shelf and pluck down a pair of bowls. As he did so, he fell quiet, unsure what to say, even though his mind was yelling apology after apology.
"Would you like to dine at the table or in the parlor?"
RE: I Don't Know How This River Runs - Jupiter Smith - June 29, 2022
Poetry evenings and the tasks of preparing for them mattered less than Ivan's bathroom habits at that particular moment. In fact, Jo would have preferred to eat entirely in silence before excusing herself to the other room if it meant they wouldn't have to bury themselves under a mountain of meaningless small talk. However, her preferences could scarcely be taken into account when their daughter was involved. They had to maintain some semblance of peace for Ilona's sake.
"I hope it all goes well." Jo commented. A year ago she might've assisted him with the preparations. A year ago she might've seduced him in the back of the shop after a long evening of perfecting details, but that was the before. They were now in the after, which meant she had no privileges to discuss miniscule details about his livelihood.
"The table is fine. It'll be easiest to keep Ilona contained." Jo continued in her neutral, if not tired, tone. "Thank you for cooking."
"I hope it all goes well." Jo commented. A year ago she might've assisted him with the preparations. A year ago she might've seduced him in the back of the shop after a long evening of perfecting details, but that was the before. They were now in the after, which meant she had no privileges to discuss miniscule details about his livelihood.
"The table is fine. It'll be easiest to keep Ilona contained." Jo continued in her neutral, if not tired, tone. "Thank you for cooking."
RE: I Don't Know How This River Runs - Zachariah Binns - June 29, 2022
"As do I," he commented distractedly, his patience for the small talk somewhat limited that evening. Once, he would have regaled her with the details, but what was the point? More important matters weighed on their minds, and yet neither of them wished to cross that bridge.
With a small nod, and a suppressed sigh, Zach set the table, baby still in his arms. When it came time to scoop the stew, however, he tugged over the the ancient looking high chair he'd found in a nearby muggle village. He'd been so nervous about what would be best that he hadn't realized the shopkeeper had pulled one over on him. In his nervousness, he'd cast a few charms on it to ensure that it would not collapse beneath Ilona's minuscule weight, either way. He gently set the baby down and fished out a wooden noise maker that she seemed to enjoy.
"Of course," he stated while he spooned a generous amount of stew into each of their bowls. Once that was completed, he set about cutting some large chunks of bread to go along with their meal.
Zachariah gestured for Jo to sit, and then moved to take a seat himself. Ilona sat in between them, thankfully blissfully unaware of the growing tension.
RE: I Don't Know How This River Runs - Jupiter Smith - June 29, 2022
Jo carried the bowls over to the table and settled into her designated seat. Ilona appeared to be content for the moment, a worthy feat for him to have accomplished after their rough day. Before the pair had joined Zach for the evening Jo had silently promised herself to leave early if Ilona continued to be a nuisance. However, that plan appeared to no longer be viable with how thrilled the baby was to be near her father.
She took a small bite of her stew. "It's very good. Thank you, again." Jo commented after two more bites.
She took a small bite of her stew. "It's very good. Thank you, again." Jo commented after two more bites.
RE: I Don't Know How This River Runs - Zachariah Binns - June 30, 2022
"I remembered you particularly enjoying it before," he stated, the last word making way for yet another awkward silence. Before. When they didn't feel the need to guard their words so tightly. When Ilona might have faced laughter at the dinner table and not odd silences.
He turned and smiled at the infant, but it did not meet his eyes. Not because he didn't enjoy seeing her, of course, but his mind was elsewhere.
Zach took a bite of his stew, not particularly noticing the taste. "I am sorry about last night," he commented, though he didn't remove his gaze from Ilona as he did so.
RE: I Don't Know How This River Runs - Jupiter Smith - June 30, 2022
Jo's fingers tensed around her spoon. Her back was as rigid as a debutante's in finishing school. Before, he'd said. Before, when they were blissfully unaware of how far her self-destructive tendencies would take her. Before, when they had some semblance of a future ahead of them. Before. He'd remembered a trivial detail about her from a time in their past that neither could afford to return to.
Only, Zach didn't leave the conversation there. Why would he? Jo looked sharply towards their daughter as if the look of her pure innocence would quiet the frustration building within her. "As I said, you've nothing to apologize for." Jo muttered without meeting his eyes.
Only, Zach didn't leave the conversation there. Why would he? Jo looked sharply towards their daughter as if the look of her pure innocence would quiet the frustration building within her. "As I said, you've nothing to apologize for." Jo muttered without meeting his eyes.
RE: I Don't Know How This River Runs - Zachariah Binns - June 30, 2022
"Certainly seems as if I should."
The words had escaped his mouth before he could even give it a second thought. It seemed that something, finally, inside Zach was snapping. The remark was accompanied by a sharp raise of his eyebrows and a grumble that was so unlike him that he probably would have surprised himself had be truly been listening to his own tone.
RE: I Don't Know How This River Runs - Jupiter Smith - June 30, 2022
"And I've assured you that it's unnecessary," Jo bitterly responded. There was a sour taste in her mouth now that had ruined her appetite altogether. After dropping her spoon with a rather loud clang Jo fisted her hands in her lap, her nails digging painfully into her palms.
RE: I Don't Know How This River Runs - Zachariah Binns - June 30, 2022
Zach merely grunted in reply and resorted to stirring his stew, rather than eating it. He tore his gaze from Ilona, not wanting her to accidentally end up thinking any grumpy faces were being directed toward her. The sound of Jo's dropped spoon echoed in the small cottage. His mouth went dry, but he had forgotten to pour them drinks.
Part of Zach wanted to snap at her, to ask if the theatrics were necessary, but he didn't. What came out was probably much worse. It was quiet, level, with a dangerous edge to it. Well, as dangerous as he truly could be.
"One day, I hope you will speak with me, truly speak with me, without shutting me out."
RE: I Don't Know How This River Runs - Jupiter Smith - June 30, 2022
"And say what?" Jo demanded quietly despite the heat in her words. This conversation wasn't one they ought to be having with Ilona present (or at all) and Jo refused to shout since he had forced her into it. "How terribly sorry I am? How forcing her into this life was perhaps the cruelest act I could have committed as a mother? How truthfully your sister spoke when I saw her last? Where would you prefer I start?"
RE: I Don't Know How This River Runs - Zachariah Binns - June 30, 2022
Well, this wasn't what he had intended.
But it needed to be said. They needed to be honest with one another. They couldn't continue their awkward dance. They couldn't keep slapping a band-aid on each new hurt and calling it a day. The rift was growing. Soon, they would hardly be able to look at one another, and what would that teach Ilona? She might be oblivious now, but she wouldn't be for long.
"It wasn't cruel. We could give her a life. A good life. Together. If you'd just allow for it. If you'd just--" He bit back, but his volume did not climb. Zach wasn't even sure he was capable of yelling, and he wasn't about to find out then, not with Ilona present.
"You left, Jo." He blurted, voice laced with sadness and a touch of bitterness. "You left and refused to reply to most of my letters. For reasons I still don't understand. You left and returned with a baby. A beautiful, wonderful, miracle of a baby. Whom I may have never known to exist until you reappeared with the news. Who we 'play house' for. But we shouldn't have to-- We shouldn't--" His voice hitched slightly, the despair that descended upon him upon her departure gobbling up his words. His jaw quivered, but he stilled it. "I don't want to pretend, Jo."
It was his turn to abandon his spoon, but he did so without a clatter. Zach raked a hand over his face, suddenly looking tired. "Dare I even ask what my sister said?"
RE: I Don't Know How This River Runs - Jupiter Smith - June 30, 2022
Droplets of blood stained her dress as he spoke. Zach hadn't yet recognized the patterns then. He didn't realize she was just as likely to run again in a month or year if the bird on her shoulder said to. He had this beautiful, wonderful fantasy of them living here together as husband and wife with a hoarde of children that Jo couldn't understand how he remained faithful to. If anything, her leaving as abruptly as she had ought to have caused him to distrust her entirely.
Her eyes squeezed shut against his emotional display. The fact of the matter was that she didn't wish to pretend, either. Pretending and maintaining boundaries was exhausting, moreso than being the mother of an infant. However, it no longer mattered what she wanted. Everything they did now had to be for Ilona's benefit. At least if they were unmarried Zach would have the freedom he required if she ever did run again. He wouldn't be bound by law to wait for her, or worse divorce her.
"I can't allow it, Zach." Jo told him brokenly. "I ... I just can't. You deserve someone who ... I just can't be her, Zach. Because now we have her and I refuse to uproot her life every time I get nervous." Panicked was the better descriptor, not that she would admit as much to him. "It would be better for you to be open to being involved with someone else. Someone ... more suited for all of this."
It was at that exact moment that Jo realized she never intended to remain nearby forever. Someday - soon perhaps - once Ilona weaned and gained some independence Jo would leave again. It was almost as though she was looking straight into the future.
Her eyes squeezed shut against his emotional display. The fact of the matter was that she didn't wish to pretend, either. Pretending and maintaining boundaries was exhausting, moreso than being the mother of an infant. However, it no longer mattered what she wanted. Everything they did now had to be for Ilona's benefit. At least if they were unmarried Zach would have the freedom he required if she ever did run again. He wouldn't be bound by law to wait for her, or worse divorce her.
"I can't allow it, Zach." Jo told him brokenly. "I ... I just can't. You deserve someone who ... I just can't be her, Zach. Because now we have her and I refuse to uproot her life every time I get nervous." Panicked was the better descriptor, not that she would admit as much to him. "It would be better for you to be open to being involved with someone else. Someone ... more suited for all of this."
It was at that exact moment that Jo realized she never intended to remain nearby forever. Someday - soon perhaps - once Ilona weaned and gained some independence Jo would leave again. It was almost as though she was looking straight into the future.
RE: I Don't Know How This River Runs - Zachariah Binns - June 30, 2022
"Is it me that makes you nervous, or do you feel trapped?"
It was the old argument, then. Jo didn't wish to remain rooted, and he wouldn't ever force her. More than anything in this life, he just wished for her happiness, whatever that may be. When she had disappeared, Zach had hoped that she'd found it. But she had returned, and--
It was all so frustrating.
"I'm not my brother. I would never force you to live a life you didn't wish or deny you the freedom you deserve. I know you can't stay still for overly long. Your soul is meant to wander. We could still make this work. You could travel, adventure, do what it is you need." He paused, standing up to collect their bowls. He needed to pace. He needed to do something with his hands. He needed to--
Zach paused in front of her, his gaze searching to meet hers, "I...I would wait for you, Jo." He took her dish and moved toward the counter to set them on top of it, allowing an awkward silence to form, but just for a moment. Much more quietly he continued. "I would take care of our daughter in your absence. My employment allows for that stability for her. And we could take her to see the world when she is old enough. Together."
His gaze drifted to elsewhere in the cottage, his lips forming into a sad line.
"I wouldn't ever keep you from where your heart wants to take you, if only it would take you home sometimes. I would wait for you. Always."
Zach ran his hand through his hair and turned his back, banishing the remains of the meal with a murmur and a flick of his wand. He sounded tired again, morose, "I'm old, Jo. If I wanted someone else, I would have found them in my youth. I wish for you. If only you'd have me."
RE: I Don't Know How This River Runs - Jupiter Smith - June 30, 2022
Zach, as always, was speaking such beautiful, hopeful truths that had Jo biting hard on the inside of her lip to keep from crying. Somehow — miraculously, really — he still wanted her above all others. Even after she'd left the way she had and returned with a baby that was most likely his but wasn't guaranteed. Zach remained as faithful to their relationship as he was throughout it, and he really shouldn't have been.
The wooden rattle fell and jo quickly retrieved it for Ilona lest she start cryng. She doubted Zach would permit them to leave, especially not after them both finally cracking and sharing their thoughts.
"Nothing is as cut and dry as you're making it seem. You might be willing to tolerate my antics, but she might not. She might come to resent her mother's continued random absences. We can't consider only what we want anymore, because now the risk is far greater." The risk was Ilona's ability to function in society or not, something Jo was too reckless to be trusted with.
Jo looked up as he stood and immediately wished she hadn't. The grief etched across his features didn't use to exist there. Zach used to be happy, jovial even. Waiting for her for the remainder of his life would only cause more of that jovial man to be stripped away. "You're too good for this." Jo told him before sharply looking back towards the table. "You're waiting for someone who leaves only carnage behind her."
The hairs on the back of her neck stood up as the familiar flood of panic set in. She stood then and fisted her hands on the back of her chair as she continued to try and force him to see sense. "I'm not ... I'm not worth this devotion. Everyone else has already recognized it, too. My family disowned me, my friends have distanced themselves, because they all recognized how reckless I am." Ilona was the first person Jo had ever sought to do right by, although now she wondered if that wasn't allowing her to be adopted. "How long until you see it too?"
The wooden rattle fell and jo quickly retrieved it for Ilona lest she start cryng. She doubted Zach would permit them to leave, especially not after them both finally cracking and sharing their thoughts.
"Nothing is as cut and dry as you're making it seem. You might be willing to tolerate my antics, but she might not. She might come to resent her mother's continued random absences. We can't consider only what we want anymore, because now the risk is far greater." The risk was Ilona's ability to function in society or not, something Jo was too reckless to be trusted with.
Jo looked up as he stood and immediately wished she hadn't. The grief etched across his features didn't use to exist there. Zach used to be happy, jovial even. Waiting for her for the remainder of his life would only cause more of that jovial man to be stripped away. "You're too good for this." Jo told him before sharply looking back towards the table. "You're waiting for someone who leaves only carnage behind her."
The hairs on the back of her neck stood up as the familiar flood of panic set in. She stood then and fisted her hands on the back of her chair as she continued to try and force him to see sense. "I'm not ... I'm not worth this devotion. Everyone else has already recognized it, too. My family disowned me, my friends have distanced themselves, because they all recognized how reckless I am." Ilona was the first person Jo had ever sought to do right by, although now she wondered if that wasn't allowing her to be adopted. "How long until you see it too?"