Issue #244 - Adlard Family Will Die Out Within Three Generations, Scholar Announces
October 12, 2020 – 4:14 AM
The Original Fake News
October 12, 2020 – 4:14 AM
The Original Fake News
| 8 Tips For Conceiving Healthy Children Warning: this article deals with subject matter of a mature nature, and unmarried women may find the following information distressing. Spinsters and young ladies: skip to page 4. Witch Weekly takes no legal responsibility for any children conceived out of wedlock on this advice. 1. Take a potion for it. For fertility problems or impotency, “Lucina Cordial” or “Verrey’s Tincture” are excellent options, French physiologist Becklard tells us in his work ‘Physiological mysteries and revelations in love, courtship and marriage: an infallible guide-book for married and single persons, in matters of the utmost importance to the human race.’ (Warning: some potions and concoctions may contain goose semen.) 2. Climate matters. A wind blowing from the north will make for a stronger child than one blowing from the east, and a colder climate is said to be more conducive to conjugal achievement. Did you know that sea air also greatly assists fecundation? 3. Hoping for a boy? Eat more bananas... A diet rich in potassium and sodium may be just the thing! A healthy mother also makes for a healthy child, and you must satisfy all cravings during pregnancy or your child might be born crying for the gin you did not give it! 4. ...or try a new position. If your usual methods have granted you multiple daughters, try something a little more animal, or even standing or straddling, for the better travelling of your husband’s seed. The more vigorous the activity, the more robust the child; Becklard confirmed this in 1845 — and passion has its part to play, for that is why two-thirds of illegitimate children born are boys. 5. But avoid stairs. As a rule, any child begat on a set of stairs is most likely to be born with a crooked back and given to the fault of staring. 6. Once the act is complete, do not speak. At the dénouement, a woman must avoid speaking, coughing or giving the slightest sneeze, as any of these might impede the chances of conception. For the best chance, just remain there for some time in a state of repose and inactivity, and instead channel your energies into visualising becoming pregnant. You might just mesmerise yourself into it. 7. Make your husband go trouserless. Wearing too many constricting layers may weaken his capabilities in bed and increase a man’s chances of infertility. Perhaps trousers - the so-called “Southern Necessities” in polite euphemism - are not such a necessity after all! (On the other hand, these freedoms of dress should not encourage a man to give in to the perils of onanism, which will irrevocably damage both his fertility and moral rectitude.) 8. Do not indulge further during your pregnancy. Sexual indulgence, says Mr. Kellogg, ought to be suspended during pregnancy for decided benefit to both mother and child. The injurious influences upon the child of the gratification of the passions during the period when its character is being formed, is undoubtedly much greater than is usually supposed. We have no doubt that this is a common cause of the transmission of libidinous tendencies to the child. One does not want to impart lecherous tendencies onto one’s child before they have even been born! |
 Your child’s character may depend on which way the wind blows! Men’s fashion: an impediment to procreation? |
October 12, 2020 – 4:14 AM
The Original Fake News
| Quiz: Let Us Get A Glimpse Into Your Future! 1. Pick a core class from Hogwarts: A) Charms B) Herbology C) Astronomy D) History of Magic E) Potions F) Transfiguration 2. What's your fashion sense like? A) Polished and timeless. Trends come and go, but there are certain fashion staples that will stand the tests of time! B) Comfortable and practical. I enjoy looking nice, but I'm not about to sacrifice my ability to move around for fashion! C) Dark is best. If I don't look like I'm mourning my third husband, I return to my wardrobe. D) Not the fashionable type, and I'm not afraid to admit it! I wear what I like, no matter what others have to say. E) Fashion-forward! I may not even like what I wear half the time, but the best way to catch society's eyes is with the latest styles! F) It changes. One day I may wish to look like a fresh debutante, while another day I prefer the "old librarian" look. 3. What advice would you give your eleven-year-old self? A) Do not sacrifice respectability for popularity. B) Go where the wind takes you. Do not allow your reservations to stop you from pursuing your dreams! C) Enjoy your youth while you can. Adulthood has challenges you would never think to prepare for. D) Strengthen your mind. Too often women settle into marriage and forget to improve themselves. E) Experiment! Allow your interests to roam! Make friends from outside of your childhood circle. (F) Do not allow your Hogwarts house to define you. With seven years comes plenty of room for change. 4. What do you value in a man? A) His wallet. I would not simply marry a man because of his wealth, but I would reject a penniless man. B) Compatibility and friendliness. What's the point of marriage if not to enjoy each other's company? C) Seriousness. I need someone I can build a life with; we're no longer children. D) Intellect! Not only do I need stimulating conversations, but I also wish for children with strong minds! E) Ingenuity—someone to keep me on my toes! F) Adaptability. People too stuck in routine bore me, and I enjoy change. 5. What quality can you not stand in a person? A) Poor manners. How am I supposed to respond to someone who will not show simple civility? B) Arrogance. Having more money, more favorable connections, or a better job does not make one a better person. C) Recklessness. I cannot understand how someone who has it all would risk it for a little fun! D) Ignorance. Sometimes it is best to turn a blind eye, but pretending to be stupid—or worse, being truly stupid—makes me cringe. E) A bore. Plenty of things may be frowned upon, but having fun should not be one of them! F) Closed-mindedness. There is nothing wrong with progress for progress' sake! If you got.... Mostly As... You're likely to find yourself at the top of the social ladder! Your values are perfectly aligned with those of society, so you'll likely have no issue falling into the role most women are expected to: that of wife, mother, and keeper of the house. You'll enjoy hosting a few parties and keeping your house decorated to match the season. You'll have five children, one named after your husband and another after your beloved grandmother, and to the outside you'll seem like the perfect woman. Unfortunately, your desire for social approval may lead you down a road of unhappiness; be careful of the men you allow to woo you with his wallet or polite charm. Get to know him and his family. Make sure that you don't put yourself in a position to be mistreated or set aside later in life. Mostly Bs... You're adult life will start out lonely. You have high expectations for your future, but your desires doesn't always align with what your family or society has in mind for you. You have a plan, and you're not willing to bend for other people. You'll spend the years after graduation looking for your place. You'll find it, of course, but you'll know that something is missing. Someone. You'll be one of the those girls who everyone believes will die a spinster, only to find the perfect man once you're past your prime. You'll be married with three kids by your mid-thirties, and you won't have to compromise on your goals. You'll be happy. Mostly Cs... Your life will be a tragic one. You will shy away from opportunities, be it in marriage or education, and you will watch all your friends find happiness while you sit around wondering where you went wrong. You may decide to change your style, or perhaps refine your manners. Your sense of self-righteousness and selfishness in childhood will serve you little in a world that appreciates a smiling woman more than a frowning one. Mostly Ds... You'll find your happiness in a career. Marriage has never been for you, no matter how much your mother nags you to find a husband and give her grandchildren. You value intellect and ambition, two things that might intimidate employers and turn men away. You won't mind though; you'll have a dozen nieces and nephews to spoil during the holidays, and you'll be the wise great-aunt by the time your hair turns grey. You'll have a home of cats, or maybe owls—whatever suits you. In old age, you might choose to settle down with a widower, or you may decide to live with your best friend who followed a similar path in life. Mostly Es... You're likely to find yourself in trouble early on. A girl like you cannot be chained down by "silly societal expectations", and your parents will begin to voice their concerns by the end of your first season. You desire adventure, or maybe grand, sweeping romantic gestures. You have your fairy tale planned out, and you're unwilling to settle for anything less than. You'll find your heartbroken, and you may be haunted by rumors for a time, but girls like you find their way eventually. Perhaps your Mr. Right turns out to be Mr. Good Influence. Perhaps you find your adventure in the novels of an author husband whose greatest wish in life was a wife who was eager to read them. Mostly Fs... You will find yourself with a number of suitors vying for your hand, but no way to decide who is the best one to accept! Your ability to adapt to your surroundings makes you especially popular at parties—sometimes too popular. Do not be surprised if some of your suitors bend over backwards to earn your affection, embarrassing themselves (and possibly you!) in the process. |
October 12, 2020 – 4:14 AM
The Original Fake News
| Most families are unaware of their exact magical blood quotient unless they are established purebloods or have known muggle ancestors. | Adlard Family Will Die Out Within Three Generations, Scholar Announces Many of our readers will have heard the rumor that Percival Adlard Jr., the Ministry official with an established reputation for being luckless in love, was recently engaged to Muggle schoolteacher Miss Jennings, of Irvingly. While it is certainly unusual for any witch or wizard to find themselves married to a Muggle, this is hardly the first time such a match has occurred. However, according to mathematician, arithmetician, and blood scientist Hallard Ludlow, this may be the most ill-fated match of such a pair in recent history. It will come as no surprise to our readers that most academics believe magical prowess is tied to magical ancestry; if this were not the case, there would be just as many muggle-born witches and wizards as there were born to magical families, and a good deal more squibs in the world. Traditionally, this has been described in terms of blood, though the liquid running through one's veins is unlikely to be directly responsible. Pureblood, halfblood, and other terms are typically used in the metaphorical sense these days, though some do believe that blood itself is responsible (and subsequently will not accept the new medical technique, blood transfusions, unless the blood donor be of similar magical status). Blood quotient is a numerical way of describing the amount of magic present in someone's ancestry, and there are entire schools of academia dedicated to exploring how one's blood quotient determines magical ability. "The blood isn't passed fifty-fifty from the parents, which makes it difficult to track through the family tree," Ludlow explained, pointing out sibling sets with mixes of magical and nonmagical members as evidence of this fact. "You might get most of your magic from your father's side, or your mother's — there's no way to know how it will shape out until you've grown and can demonstrate more or less magical ability." The wrong mix of blood might leave someone with too little magical blood to properly do magic, resulting in either a very weak spellcaster, or a squib.  Which is where Mr. Adlard comes in. Unfortunately, Mr. Adlard has never been particularly adept at the practical side of magic. A schoolmate described him as "rather unremarkable," and noted that his highest grades in exams were in History of Magic and Care of Magical Creatures, two subjects which require little, if any, wandwork. His career in the Ministry also relies more on physical exertion than magical exertion (and since his latest promotion, more paperwork than anything else). Ludlow estimates that Mr. Adlard's blood quotient might be "only marginally above that of a squib." Miss Jennings, of course, will not be able to contribute much to their future children. While her magical siblings do work in her favor, implying that her magical blood quotient may be slightly higher than the average Muggle, she still has a very strong likelihood of giving birth either to squibs, or children with only weak magical ability. The magical branch of the Adlard family, Mr. Ludlow determines, will have ceased to exist within three generations at most. Theoretically, this situation could be saved if Mr. Adlard and Miss Jennings' children married into well-established magical families with strong spellcasters, but this seems terribly unlikely. Would Mr. Adlard, after having experienced his own turbulent romantic road to marriage, opt to arrange marriages for his children in order to keep magic within the family? And would any strong magical family allow it, knowing it would only doom their own children and grandchildren to a lackluster life with a capped magical potential? Given Mr. Adlard's own life experiences as someone with meager magical ability and his new match to a Muggle woman, he may not even think keeping magic in his family much of a priority. (We wonder if Percival Adlard Sr agrees!) |
October 12, 2020 – 4:15 AM
The Original Fake News
| Those of us here at Witch Weekly strive to provide you with the latest news of the social scene! | Heard Around Town! Did you know that this so called 'Billie Farrow' is really a girl? Goodness, my boys were spending time with her at the park just a few months ago. I'm apalled. Isn't she Mr. Ollivander's ward? Did he know of this? The very thought! Does anyone know who this Miss Adrestia Dantés is? She seems quite into the social scene as of late, but a year ago? Who is this woman? I've heard Mrs. Beck has been ill of late. Merlin, I do hope she doesn't try throwing another party in less than ideal conditions! |
October 12, 2020 – 4:15 AM
The Original Fake News
| A Correction In our article entitled "10 Tips for a Healthy Household," dated September 27th, 1890, we stated that there may be adverse side-effects of the over-use of cocaine for children. We have since been contacted by several cocaine manufacturers assuring us that this is inaccurate, and adverse side-effects have not been proven for any age. We apologize for the inconvenience and encourage all of our readers to use cocaine freely in their households. |
October 12, 2020 – 4:16 AM
The Original Fake News
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