Issue #232 - The Fall of Miss Finch
April 26, 2020 – 6:14 AM
The Original Fake News
April 26, 2020 – 6:14 AM
The Original Fake News
| By the next World Cup the magic carpet will likely be a fixture in most British households. | The Rise of the Flying Carpet! With the Quidditch World Cup beginning imminently, excitement and speculation has been ramping up for months already and one prediction for the 1890 games is the sudden surge in popularity of the flying carpet. For those unacquainted with the notion, flying carpets are a mode of transport favored many Asian countries and frequently are preferable to broomstick travel as they can accommodate one's entire family! The flying carpet is also superior in comfort and it can match the average broomstick in speed, although the latest racing brooms likely to be used in the cup this year are likely to leave a flying carpet in the dust!  Infinite beautiful designs make these vehicles practical as well as fashionable.
That said, it is predicted that flying carpets are likely to become a highly sought after commodity among wizarding communities outside of Europe. A number of flying carpetmakers are said to already be using the publicity of the World Cup to promote their alternative modes of airborne transport. Another reason the flying carpet trade is starting to pick up momentum outside of Asia is the general sense that carriages are falling out of favor. While muggles remain content to trundle around in uncomfortable boxes on wheels for hours on end, witches and wizards are less so inclined! There are many reasons why the Floo Network, Apparation, and Portkeys are undesirable yet swift alternatives. For many the Floo network is the most accessible but one is restricted to buildings that are part of the network and there is often an undesirable sooty residue upon clambering out (not the most dignified entrance either!) of the hearth. The license to apparate is not always obtainable and the risk of splinching is a serious risk many would rather avoid altogether. Portkeys aren't easily accessible and certainly not for every day journeys and much like apparating, can be incredibly unpleasant. Thus the flying carpet is the ideal alternative! Travel in style and comfort, varying sizes of carpet allow you to accommodate even the largest of families all together, even the children. With ornate and beautiful silk carpets suspected to be making their way to Irvingly this summer with other vendors for the World Cup it seems highly likely that travel by magic carpet will be taking off in Britain very soon! |
April 26, 2020 – 6:14 AM
The Original Fake News
| One of chloroforms most notable uses is by the Queen of England who has praised its existence. | The Wonders of Chloroform! Magic and potions are all well and good for the ailments that we suffer but these things can take time and effort to brew. One could buy them ready-made, certainly, but you would still need to buy specific potions for different ailments. A simple solution that would cure most common ills is the wonder that is chloroform! One will most definitely find many uses for it and it is highly recommended that all households have at least one bottle in their cabinents. Ease coughs and colds! Chloroform helps ease colds and coughs, especially of ones coughs are intense and cause spasms. Just about ten drops of chloroform on your hand, breath in the vapors and your airways will have an abundance of sweet, fresh air no longer hindered by a cough that feels like your lungs are trying to escape your body.  A fine addition to ones potions pantry!
Put your children (or yourself) to sleep!Are your children demons when it comes to going to bed and keep half the household up with their shrieks, wailing and laughter? Just a tiny drop of chloroform on a hanky and put over their nose and they will be slumbering until the sun rises! Mind you do not use too much now as their small bodies require a lot less than an adult - just a quarter of a teaspoon should do. Of course, this method is also useful for grown folk who have trouble getting to bed at night. A teaspoon of a drop should be more than good enough for an adult woman. Ease your teething babies woes Teething can be an annoyance for babies, mothers, their nannies and anyone who has cause to interact with the child. Chloroform can make your life easier by helping ease what the infant is going through. Simply mix the chloroform with a bit of cocaine to make a paste. Rub the paste along the childs gums and its pain should ease. Ease pains and aches! Chloroform can be used as a painkiller for all manners of pains and aches. A small dose can ease athritis, stiff joints and other small aches. A larger dosage can be used to ease in bringing new life into the world. Just be sure not to inhale too much or you will find yourself passed out instead! It can also be used for toothaches and headaches. Make marital duties more tolerable! Marital duties are a plight that every woman must go through. It is her duty to provide her husband with children and this can sometimes be a rather annoying chore. But it need not be with the wonder that is chloroform! A small huff of its vapors before your husband is due to visit your bedroom and you will be disoriented enough that you will scarcely notice that he is in the room with you! Lying back and thinking of England will never have been more easy! |
April 26, 2020 – 6:14 AM
The Original Fake News
| The Fall Of Miss Finch If all was well, the next Miss Finch to marry would have become a pleasing wife to Mr. St.John-Black, American Liaison to the Ministry, in an advantageous match made by the family. This was not what happened in February. At first her disappearance was a mystery. Then the rumours grew. Now, there is no doubt: Miss Melody Finch fled mere days before her wedding in order to become Mrs. Reuben Crouch. Perhaps the couple had hoped to ride out the fallout from their elopement in secrecy abroad, but now, like plague-carrying rats or a bad rash, the couple have returned to our shores and made themselves a nest in the streets of Swallowbury. A confounded decision, indeed — but not even a Crouch can lie low forever. Were the pair previously involved? It was easy not to believe the whispers, at first, for who knew Miss Finch and Mr. Crouch had even been acquainted? Even we at Witch Weekly had not predicted this, although an astute reader or two recalled that the pair had perhaps met in passing in as early as 1887. There is little trace of any interaction beyond that, although - as is well known among our readers - Mr. Reuben Crouch is certainly something of a rake. One could not have imagined him married anytime soon; it seems inconceivable that Miss Melody Finch, by all accounts an intelligent, well-bred young lady, would have fallen for a common cursebreaking cad with precisely no recommendations to offer him. But perhaps Mr. Crouch, with his known wandering eye, settled upon a prize he was determined to win... by any means. What prompted their elopement? It was not as though Miss Finch did not have prospects, after all. With no prior affectation of coquettish behaviour and a family free from scandal, she did not seem like the next debutante to fall prey to the pressure of elopement. Might she just have been following the lure of infamy, the latest societal fad? Was there something more unpleasant or nefarious lurking in her future with Mr. St-John Black? Or was the marriage but a cover-up of a seduction that had already begun? If Miss Finch had already fallen prey to Mr. Crouch and fallen pregnant, perhaps the arrangement to a gentleman of her own station was a necessary means to save her from him. Perhaps Miss Finch thought herself too noble to inflict such cuckoldry on an innocent man. Perhaps she was swayed by Mr. Crouch’s arguments to raise their child together. Or perhaps she simply had no choice at all. Mr. Crouch is currently a distillery promoter, after all. Who would be better placed to ply a young lady with untested concoctions like a strong draught of Amortentia than he? Miss Finch might never have been conscious of what she was doing at all! What have the consequences been? Whether she was at fault or not, of course, the consequences of bad judgement and sordid practices will not have gone away as easily as swallowing a tonic or two. Miss Finch has, predictably, borne the brunt of it, with her family immediately taking the sensible course of disowning her. On the other hand, Reuben Crouch’s family and friends - including Mr. Aldous Crouch in the former, and the Mr. Arthur Pettigrews in the latter - have been spotted visiting the newlyweds. While the Crouches do not have any unmarried girls to think of, they ought to consider whether a man of their brother’s insalubrious character ought to be encouraged by any show of kindness or forgiveness. The other Crouch men are yet to marry, after all — and might never do so if they let their younger brother anywhere near their intendeds! What will Mr. and Mrs. Crouch do now? Try to be happy in an arrangement in which no one sane should find themselves happy, presumably. Not only is Miss Finch having now to be mistress of a house in Irvingly well below the expected standards of her former station - one wonders how they will have the room for a nursey or funds for a nanny at all! - she will only face more sorrow, at home and in society, as she unwillingly bears Mr. Crouch’s children. There will be many an eye peeled on the girth of her figure as the months pass — but perhaps there will be some pity afforded in passing glances, too, for a girl deceived and deplorably used. Will the poor former Miss Finch ever be able to sing again shackled in her new, not-so-gilded cage? Does her new husband not feel any remorse for what he has done? |
 The unhappy new Mrs. Crouch. Promoter for the Jewell Distillery, Mr. Reuben Crouch is a man from whom every reputable witch or wizard ought to stay away. |
April 26, 2020 – 6:15 AM
The Original Fake News
We used to write each other daily, until I ruined everything with that stupid fight. You haven't opened any of my letters since, and I'm too embarrassed to apologize to your face, particularly when you're always hanging about with other girls. But if you read this: the fight was my fault, and I'm sorry. I was being stupid and I want to be friends again. Please write. Have you been feeding a grey tabby cat in Bartonburg? My darling Missy has been away from home more and more frequently and I've begun to suspect she's been getting meals elsewhere. If you have been taking care of her, please write so I can worry less the next time she wanders out. We met in an apothecary in London and you were quite kind in describing various items to me and advising my purchase. I have a few questions related to the medicinal uses of some of the items for sale there and you seemed quite |
knowledgeable before. I would like to ask your opinion, but if we exchanged names when we met I'm afraid I've forgotten yours, and therefore don't know where to owl. Are you missing a yellow hat, which blew away in the wind on High Street earlier this month? I have your hat, and a message: you are absolutely going to get yourself killed. While I watched from across the street you narrowly avoided peril no less than three times. First, you stepped out into the street just as a carriage rounded the corner, and the driver was obliged to pull up on the reigns which I think you did not notice. Second, a owl dove at you to try and get the pastry in your hand that you were carelessly waving about in the air. Third, a child had a bought of accidental magic merely five feet behind you, which again, you took no notice of. Had his governness not be nearby to contain the child he might have accidentally done you harm. It is no wonder you've lost your hat; I doubt you noticed that, either. |
I passed you at the High Street Market. You were wearing green; I was seeing green, because whatever you had just bought smelled positively delectable. I couldn't see what it was, but I can't get the scent out of my nose and it's been making my mouth water ever since. Won't you tell me what it was? In response to Mulling Over Wine In short: no. I do not forgive you and should not like to talk to you again. I hope you did not go to any great expense on the gift you claim to have bought me, because I would not accept it. I saw you reading at the Crowdy Library. I tried to catch your eye but you were engrossed in your book; the cover was red. You were enjoying it, and frequently smiling. I wish you would have an opportunity to smile at me — write, and let's contrive a way to be introduced at some party or other. |
| There's no such thing as the One That Got Away! Send a letter in with your personal advertisement or response to have it printed in the next issue. Address your letters to: Missed Connections, Witch Weekly. | ||
April 26, 2020 – 6:15 AM
The Original Fake News
Possibly Related Threads…
Thread / Author
Replies
Views
Last Post
Last Post by Witch Weekly
April 29, 2018 – 2:15 PM
April 29, 2018 – 2:15 PM
View a Printable Version
Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Charmingrp.com was designed with ❤ by Shanté and coded by Olive
Powered By MyBB, © 2002-2024 MyBB Group.
Powered By MyBB, © 2002-2024 MyBB Group.