Issue #214 - The Twin Solution
June 2, 2019 – 4:26 PM
The Original Fake News
June 2, 2019 – 4:27 PM
The Original Fake News
| Given the advanced nature of such potion, a copper cauldron is highly recommended. | Elixir to Induce Euphoria The social season often requires plenty of smiles and joy from the hostess of the parties. Even if life might not be going your way, keeping up a good smile will lead to more likely success in social events and husband hunting! While the season is not yet upon us, there are still plenty of parties to prepare for. Ingredients: 1 sprig peppermint 4 measures of shrivelfig 2 porcupine quills 7 castor beans 2 measures of wormwood Directions: Add in your sprig of peppermint and begin stirring, then include shrivelfig until potion turns turquoise. Stir counter-clockwise until the ingredients turn blue. Once this happens, allow the potion to simmer until it turns yellow. Next add porcupine quills until the potion once again turns blue. Then allow the potion to simmer until it turns purple. Add your castor beans and then allow the potion to simmer until it turns brown. Now you will add the rest of the shrivelfig until the potion turns pink. Allow the potion to simmer till it turns orange, then add wormwood until it turns yellow. Stir six times counter-clockwise and then cast the cheering charm over the potion. Careful when using this potion as it has been known to cause excessive singing and nose-tweaking. If this is to occur, add more peppermint! |
June 2, 2019 – 4:27 PM
The Original Fake News
| Ten Facts About Mr. Zachariah Binns | |
| 1. He was a Ravenclaw while at school. No surprise, considering he owns a book shop! Though, he did break a family tradition as the rest of his family, parents included, were all sorted into Gryffindor. He has the intelligence to back up the hat’s decision, however, and was said to have even been a part of Book Club while at school. 2. He is an animal person. While he doesn’t claim the cats that reside around the bookshop as his pets, he still sees to their wellbeing and has even been seen doting on them from time to time. He also has a corgi by the name of Ivan. 3. He can speak Gobbledegook. Certainly not an easy language to master, Mr. Binns speaks it rather well. We wonder how many other languages the man can speak.  Owner of Whizzard Books and avid reader, Mr. Binns is always happy to help a customer find the right book and make recommendations on something new to read.4. He has two siblings, an older brother and a younger sister. Both siblings were sorted into Gryffindor though his younger sister is quite younger than he is. He helped with some of her schooling before going off to school himself. And though he’s not married himself, his elder brother is and he has two nieces and a nephew as a result. It’s said he’s quite the doting uncle. 5. He worked at a museum. Upon graduation, Mr. Binns spent a few years working in a museum as a researcher. |
6. He became Whizzhard Books’ owner in 1884. After spending several years working alongside Whizzhard’s original owner Mr. Gregory Horton, Mr. Binns took over ownership when Mr. Horton passed in the Laughing Plague. He was thirty at the time and has continued to run the shop much the same as it had been run when Mr. Horton was alive. 7. He’s an avid gobstones player. He’s even set up an area within the shop where games can be played. He could even be talked into playing a game or two of his favorite game if asked.  While not the most fashionable of men, Mr. Binns certainly isn't unattractive and actually has quite beautiful eyes.8. He loves chocolate. He can be a bit of a fixture at Honeyduke’s and is always seen leaving with a good sized purchase of chocolate any time he visits the sweet shop. If a lady should find she wants and easy in with him, chocolate is certainly the way to go! 9. His wand is made of Beech with a Phoenix Feather core. Beech wands are said to match with those wise beyond their years and don’t work well with those that are narrow minded or intolerant. Mr. Binns is certainly an intelligent man and seems to be quite open minded, perfect attributes for any young lady looking for an intelligent husband. 10. He was born November 12th, making him a Scorpio. Scorpios are said to be resourceful and brave but also passionate and a true friend. Any young woman lucky enough to find themselves courted by Mr. Binns are bound to have a companionship full of passion! |
June 2, 2019 – 4:27 PM
The Original Fake News
| The Twin Solution | |
The untimely death of first year student Céleste Bénet has brought several issues to light, including leading some parents to question whether Hogwarts teachers are providing adequate supervision to younger students, whether the prefect system is a functional way of enforcing discipline at the school, and whether potentially dangerous knowledge should be more restricted at younger grade levels. One issue that no one is talking about in polite conversation, however, is that of twins. Miss Claire Benet, surviving twin of Céleste Bénet.Twins have long been known to be terribly unlucky (and those with red hair moreso than most). This is not the first misfortune to befall the Bénet family, as the two girls disappeared for several weeks last year before being found onboard the Voyager which had set sail in search of the legendary isle of Avalon. While some consider this merely an old wives' tale, recent news has proven the bad luck to be anything but fictional. Everyone will recall the terrible fate of Topaz Urquart, daughter of then Minister for Magic and twin of Ruby Urquart. The werewolf bite will not only to continue to affect Miss Urquart her entire life, but it also lead to her father's resignation from the Ministry, quite a shock to the family's reputation and, we presume, their finances.  Miss Topaz Urquart, unfortunate teenaged werewolfShortly after the misfortunes of the Urquart family, another twin made headlines. Annabelle Scrimgeour, who many argue was cursed (either literally or metaphorically) from the start, went missing, then reappeared bruised and battered at the hand of her own father. The fallout resulted in Argus Scrimgeour first being imprisoned and then later perishing. As in the case of the Urquarts, the family's reputation and finances have yet to fully recover from this series of events, and it seems likely that Annabelle Scrimgeour may never be fully reconciled with her mother or remaining siblings. One might argue that the Bénet family with the tragic death of their daughter was actually more fortunate than the Urquarts and the Scrimgeours, as it seems unlikely this tragedy will follow them for years to come. |
However, that remains to be seen; it is entirely possible that new circumstances may arise surrounding Céleste Bénet's death to cast a cloud over her surviving family members.  Miss Annabelle Scrimgeour, societal outcastOne can hardly deny the characteristic bad luck that follows twins, although experts disagree as to its cause. Some believe that multiple children being born at once is simply unnatural, and the bad luck is nature's way of correcting a mistake. Some believe that a woman's body is not capable of properly nourishing two babies at once, leading to deficits of body or character that may take years to fully come to light. More skeptical minds prefer to think that the fault lies with the parents' resources: "no one has time to properly raise two children simultaneously," argues Ezeriah Gould. "Which is where you get these tragedies popping up. All of these things could have been avoided with proper supervision from the parents or the nurses, but it just isn't feasible all the time." Fortunately, Mrs. Dalia Pershings of London has offered a solution: arrange orphanage care for one half of a pair of twins. "Depending on the age of the child, you can sometimes raise them to believe they're the only one. Statistically, you're at least 34% less likely to experience a family calamity if the twins are kept separate. There's a lot of negative energy that twins have, and keeping them together just allows them to feed off one another — it keeps growing until there's a breaking point," she explained. Mrs. Pershings believes that the Scrimgeour ordeal was only staved off until after their Hogwarts career had ended because the girls had been kept separate for much of their early childhood. Her establishment offers parents the opportunity to leave one twin behind, with absolute discretion regarding the family's reputation. Her institution primarily accepts twins, but will also make allowances for other children who seem to be 'cursed:' "We specialize in bad luck. There's a luck charm on every wall in the orphanage. We really take these things very seriously — which is why we expect a higher fee than your typical child boarding establishment." Although parents are not permitted to visit their children after drop-off due to the possibility that they may unintentionally act as a conveyor of negative twin energy, thus negating the purpose of the home, children are able to be returned to their original families in the unlikely event that the twin who has remained in the home perishes. |
June 2, 2019 – 4:27 PM
The Original Fake News
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June 2, 2019 – 4:27 PM
The Original Fake News
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