Issue #171 - A Celtic Street Furor
March 18, 2018 – 2:47 PM
The Original Fake News
March 18, 2018 – 2:48 PM
The Original Fake News
| Miss Ophelia Dippet Runs Off With Hogwarts Sweetheart! If you were in Padmore Park from March sixteenth to eighteenth, then you quite likely noticed the Celtic Street Fair. There were many interesting things to be found there involving Irish culture with many Irish vendors setting up shop and selling everything that there is to do with Ireland. There were also many venues of entertainment to be found. Thus it was no surprise to find Miss Ophelia Dippet among the attendees when her husband to be is Irish. What was certainly a surprise was to find her holding hands with a man that was very much not Mister Roberto Devine but rather Mister Rufus Bixby, a chaser for Puddlemere United! After some investigation, Witch Weekly can reveal that the two were not only yearmates at Hogwarts but housemates as well! We can also reveal that they were Hogwarts sweethearts, pulled apart when Miss Dippet was pulled from school before her fifth year. Was there more to Miss Dippet’s removal from school than what has been previously known? Was she carrying his secret love child at the mere age of fifteen resulting in her withdrawal? None of that is quite clear but what is abundantly clear is that mere weeks before her marriage, Miss Dippet’s old flame made his romantic feelings known to her - and she quite obviously still returns them and has run off with him! Now that they have they run off together, have they eloped? What will become of Mister Devine and Miss Fortuna Lockhart, the young lady whom had been previously romantically linked to the chaser? Did Miss Dippet really have a secret love child and have they gone to bring the child back into their lives? Stay tuned to Witch Weekly to find out! |
 Miss Ophelia Dippet, longstanding societal fashion icon. Mister Rufus Bixby, one of Puddlemere United's chasers |
March 18, 2018 – 2:49 PM
The Original Fake News
| How To Talk To Men: A Guide For the Utterly Tactless | |
| Socializing with dashing, eligible men may come easily to some of us, but for the socially graceless, this can become quite a minefield. Do you need some tips to navigate conversations with the opposite sex, or do you merely know someone who could benefit greatly from some helpful hints? Either way, this article is a must-read! Tip 1: Less Is More When in doubt, a woman will do well to rely on coy smiles and a discreet hand-fan to carry her through most of the conversation. Unless asked a direct question by the man in question, there is seldom a need for a woman to insert herself in a conversation. By keeping yourself, as it were, a blank slate, you allow the man to project onto you what he wants in a conversation partner — and this fantasy, let's be honest, is probably a better conversationalist than you are.  Tip 2: Smile! A lovely disposition and cheerful countenance will smooth over many of your conversational faux pas. Some mild flubs will come across as anxiety, which some men may find endearing as a sign of naivete. As you gain confidence, you will be able to make fewer of these — but keep your smile in place, regardless! | Tip 3: Feign Interest In What He's Saying Tip 4: ...But Not Too Much Interest On the other hand, no man wants to feel as though the woman he is talking to can outsmart him, nor does he expect a lecture. Even if you are very knowledgeable on the subject in hand, keep your comments brief and pleasant. Ask more questions than you offer statements — even if you already know the answers. Tip 5: Safety in Numbers Although of course you will have to be alone with a man eventually if you plan to marry, many early interactions can be safely bolstered by ensuring you keep more articulate and graceful friends by your side. A good friend can speak in your place if you freeze up and don't know what to say, saving you the embarrassment of fumbling for a response. This can, in fact, add to your appeal, as it will make you seem more mysterious to the gentleman in question! |
March 18, 2018 – 2:50 PM
The Original Fake News
| A Celtic Street Furor! As any denizen of Hogsmeade is sure to know by now, Padmore Park has been the host of a St. Patrick's day celebration this year. The festivities began on Friday, March 16th, and for our eager readers who peruse their copy the very moment it arrives, it will still be ongoing. The Celtic Street Fair will end this evening and for many it could not be a moment too soon! If you have not experienced the unbridled chaos — could anything otherwise be expected from the Irish? — then you may be wondering why many are so looking forward to the sanity Monday shall (hopefully) restore.  Fancy footwork abound! Leprechauns: deceptively placid looking creatures.There have also been reports of wild animals attacking fair goers that is suspected to be linked to the products of one music stall which has proven incredibly difficult to track down despite continuing instances of tin whistles drawing out flocks of birds, squirrels, badgers, and other native beasts. Spotted amongst the crowds were people sporting green from head to toe. Initially mistaken for a disturbing level of dedication, it seems that these individuals were mysteriously turned green against their will. We suspect Mr. Podmore and Mr. Pettigrew were targeted, although the change in their complexion made it hard to discern for certain. One very vibrant young lady clashed atrociously with her grotesquely orange dress; our senses were so appalled we had to avert our eyes and so her identity remains a mystery. What lady of any good sense wears lurid orange, we ask? Perhaps Miss Ellory Pendergast was our fashion offender of the weekend. Worse still than the abominable combination of orange and green is the hand-fasting demonstrations on offer. What might have been a droll idea for young couples was debauched by carelessness and magical trickery. The woman providing this 'service' is either blind or malicious and has bound numerous individuals together without regard for propriety or reputations! Once bound, it seems there is an enchantment preventing the couples from parting company. There have been at least two engagements broken by this vulgar trick and we suspect more may follow. Has it a hand to play in the likely termination of Miss Dippet's engagement following the events of this weekend or is the only charm at work there all their own? It is currently unknown how long the enchantment lasts for but it would seem that few are able to separate within a matter of hours which is terrible news if your sweetheart has been bound to another... If you have lost the object of your affections this weekend due to hand-fasting, do not despair! Send in your Lonely Heart advertisement and you'll be happily married before you know it! |
March 18, 2018 – 2:51 PM
The Original Fake News
| Are you in need of advice about topics ranging from pregnancy to fashion woes? Send your problems to Witch Weekly and allow our very own Miss Harmony Aidsworth to offer you the best advice in town! | Advice From Harmony Aidsworth: Pregnancy & Fertility Maternity issues have always been at the forefront of women's struggles, even dating back to ancient times! Once the pressure to find a husband is over, young brides are faced with a new challenge: producing an heir — and even more if they and their husband so desire! This week, Witch Weekly's Harmony Aidsworth will be answering all your pregnancy woes! Dear Miss Harmony Aidsworth, It has been two years since I wed my beloved beau, and we have little luck producing a child! I see no glaring reason why this should be the case; my mother produced four children within the first six years of marriage, and my husband's father has six children between his former and current wife! Neither him nor I have partaken in any risky activities (such as quidditch!) that would damage our ability to reproduce. What shall I do? Are there any methods (either natural or magical) that I can use to increase fertility? Signed, Mrs. Fearing Infertility Mrs. Fearing Infertility, Fertility is not black and white; if at first you don't succeed, it doesn't mean that you never will! There are many different herbal remedies sold at apothecaries to help boost fertility, and many desperate couples are increasingly turning to magical means to conceive. And yes, magical treatments are out there! Pregnancy, by and large, is a luck of the draw! Instead of allowing yourself to be consumed by such fears, I strongly advise you to speak to the women in your life who have had children. Though it seems your mother may be useless due to how easily she conceived, she may know other women in her life who have struggled! - Miss Harmony Aidsworth --- Miss Harmony Aidsworth, My fiance's mother has continuously pressured my husband-to-be to forgo our marriage due to my family's history of fertility issues. I understand where she's coming from, but my mere existence proves that us ladies in my family are perfectly capable of producing — does it not? My sister never had children, but her husband was married twice before and had three children from both unions, yet my future mother-in-law takes that as a sign of infertility! How do I convince her that I will be able to give her grandchildren? Signed, Miss Bone-Picking Bride Miss Bone-Picking Bride, Your mother-in-law seems no different from many mothers of eligible bachelors working to assure that their son's bride will be able to do her womanly duties! Nevertheless, if she is being so stubborn that it seems illogical, I urge you look past her complaints to see if other reasons might be behind the accusations. A loving, yet decidedly worried mother might use practical reasons to convince her son that a woman is not the proper bride, as she may fear that declaring her dislike towards his chosen bride might cause a rift in their relationship! If you see no reason to believe that she dislikes you for other reasons, speaking to your fiance about her concerns might allow him to speak to her about them. A mother is usually far more willing to discuss her worries with her own child than a woman she seems not to approve of! - Miss Harmony Aidsworth |
March 18, 2018 – 2:51 PM
The Original Fake News
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