Issue #195 - Ines Valentine: Matchmaker or Homewrecker?
September 2, 2018 – 3:11 PM
The Original Fake News
September 2, 2018 – 3:11 PM
The Original Fake News
| Seven Ways to Stand Out in Society! In a world full of ladies searching for husbands of their own, it can often be difficult to stand out — especially if you've always considered yourself bland or uninteresting. Fortunately for you, bland and uninteresting ladies often make the best of wives, but that doesn't make getting to the alter any easier! Witch Weekly is here to help by offering seven ways to stand out in society (without making a fool of yourself!). 1. Be mysterious. While this tip may seem to contradict your efforts, it's proven to work time and time again. Do not let everyone know of your blandness; instead, allow them to wonder what hidden depths you may be hiding — you're sure to capture the attention of a gentleman that way! Besides, gentleman love a challenge. 2. Diversify your wardrobe. Use your blandness to your advantage: ladies who are always extravagantly dressed rarely turn heads with their fashion choices, but the same cannot be said for women who are relatively conservative. A slightly lower neckline, an unusual accessory, or even a pop of color can bring eyes to a lady usually garbed in grey. 3. Embrace your interests — publicly. While ladies are often expected to present the image of the perfect, delicate flower, there are gentleman out there who prefer ladies who break from the mold. We would certainly not encourage scandalous behavior — keep to your chaperons and modesty, lest you end up like the disgraced Miss Scrimgeour — there is nothing wrong with showing bookishness or interest in an unconventional topic that may catch a gentleman's eye! 4. Volunteer. Being a debutante may be exhausting at times, but if your efforts still prove unsuccessful, there is nothing wrong with finding something to occupy your time with rather than attending the first ball of the evening! We may not all have the resources to be philanthropists in our own right, but there are plenty of organizations, including hospitals, that need volunteers. Who knows: you might meet a handsome healer! 5. Align yourself with social butterflies. To align yourself with more interesting ladies might seem like a very poor way to prove your own worth, but showing prospective suitors that you are well-connected might just be the way to convince them to take you as their bride! Not all men want a wife with a fully-booked social calendar, but may appreciate the advantageous connections that come from a wife with popular friends! 6. Become an expert on something, be it astrology, parlor games, or a specific author! Ladies are expected to be able to hold a conversation on most topics, but being able to lead a conversation might attract the eyes of a potential suitor! 7. Travel more! There's always more fish in the sea, but you might be trapped in a net you never knew was there! If your efforts to find a husband close to home prove unsuccessful, visit other places. Try the countryside if you live in the city, or the city if you live in the country; you never know what man might be waiting for a woman like you! |
 Dull doesn't equal undesirable! Using our tips, you just might be able to find that special someone! |
September 2, 2018 – 3:12 PM
The Original Fake News
| Mr Podmore is a man of mystery in many fronts but well accomplished. | 10 Facts about Clinton Podmore! Clinton Podmore is becoming a name we, as readers and society members, are learning quite well. A few yeaars ago, we heard about his promotion to the head of the beast division of the Ministry. Now we announce his promotion to the assistant head of the Dpeartment for the Control and Regulation of Magical Creatures in this year. Quite an impressive feat by the Mr Podmore. But with a name, he is surely building an interest among our unmarried readership and we are here to give you ten facts that might help you decide if he is the man for you.  1. Mr Podmore's wand is made of Blacktorn. Blackthorn wands are well reputed to choosing warrior like people of character making him a protector by nature. His wand and the magic ability he has surely displayed to reach this point suggest that he has undergone some form of trail in his past! One her clearly came out the better of! 2. He was a Slytherin and a part of the Class of 1874. Others yearmates include Theseus Greengrass and Brendan Jennings. 3. Being figures of authority runs in the family. His eldest brother, Hudson Podmore, is a teacher at Hogwarts and the Head of House for Gryffindor. His other brother, Sydney Podmore, is the assistant head of his department in St. Mungos. Success clearly runs in the family! 4. His birthday is July 30, making him a Leo. Being a Leo makes passionate, warm-hearted, cheerful, and humorous, traits we've seen him show at any ball or event that makes him a wonderful conversationalist The best women for him by his star sign would be those born under Aries, Gemini, Libra and Sagittarius. 5. He values his independence. Mr Podmore has actually lived away from home for two years now at the gentleman's club he is a member at - Atlantis. 6. Only one of his siblings have yet married. Out of Mr Podmore's four siblings, him and his youngest sister are the only ones still unmarried. While he is not an heir, all of his brothers have been married meaning he is bound to follow soon! 7. He works a lot. We rarely see Mr Podmore outside of the ministry. This likely means he loves his work however this means we know little of his hobbies outside of his work. 8. He collects books and scrolls. Many times Mr Podmore has been seen purchasing old texts - books and scrolls alike - in his rare free time. He has even be reported gifting one to Morwenna Skeeter. While the exact subject he collects on, they are likely related to magical creatures. A possible gift to gain his favors? 9. He has never courted anyone. Likely very picky about women, Mr Podmore has not yet been known to court any women in the past. Have hope, as it likely means he either hasn't met the right woman yet or possibly he seeks someone willing to show determination in pursuing him. 10. Mr Podmore helped in the effort to bring back magic. Mr Podmore was one of the brave souls who volunteered to help search for the cause of the fog and loss of magic this summer in the expeditions when the ministry failed to find an answer. He was a part of the group that was stationed at the train station and ended in the casino. |
September 2, 2018 – 3:12 PM
The Original Fake News
| Ines Valentine - Matchmaker or homewrecker? Miss Ines Valentine has been featured in our esteemed magazine several times this summer — and most recently she hosted the Aphrodite Soiree at the Destiny Hotel London. The guest list included socialites and the most marriageable bachelors of our time - including Mr. Orlando Lovegood, Mr. Edric Umbridge and of course, Miss Yente Ventus herself! The fabulous evening was filled with dancing, conversation and a hopeful air that those searching for their true love — or at the very least, someone to wed — would find a suitable match. What this Witch Weekly writer noticed that many did not however, was the manipulative plotting of our seating arrangements. At first glance, it would seem that Miss Valentine followed decorum and placed those who would be suitably matched together, with married couples appropriately sprinkled within. However upon closer inspection, it would appear that her matchmaking skills do not limit themselves from those who are already wed! Mrs. Ophelia Devine - an incredibly fashionable socialite - was seated at the same table as her husband, Mr. Roberto Devine. Notably, Mr. Clinton Podmore was also seated at this table. He is of a fashionable height (versus Mr. Devine, who is several inches too tall to be fashionable) and is just as dark and handsome as Mr. Devine. The newlywed Mrs. Devine was seen smiling at Mr. Podmore - who returned the smiles with a twinkle in his eye. The temptation between the pair was obvious to anyone with experience in detecting such things. We only hope that Mrs. Devine is able to resist Mr. Podmore's charm and stay true to her husband. Another malevolent seating arrangement includes table 5 - with Mrs. Hannah Pettigrew, Mr. Thom Pettigrew and Miss Louisa Lupin. Miss Lupin's brother, Leon Lupin, and extended family (his rather unfortunate wife, Mrs. Elsbeth Lupin, who cannot seem to observe proper decorum) has Witch Weekly wondering if the negative influence on Miss Lupin is what caused her to pay far too much attention to Mr. Pettigrew - despite his wife sitting right there! Mrs. Pettigrew has only recently returned to society. Speculation as to whether it was caused by Mr. Pettigrew's wandering eye would be confirmed, as he only had eyes for the beautiful Ms. Lupin that evening. While there were certainly some successful matches made that we hope continue to flourish, we want to advise those who are already in marriages to seek a closer relationship with their spouses, rather than those who Miss Valentine seated them next to during her soiree. To Miss Valentine - Witch Weekly wants to inform you that we are keeping a close eye on you. Marriage is a sacred commitment that should not be dabbled in lightly. It is abhorrent to lead those who have entered into such binding contracts astray. |
 Miss Ines Valentine - is this a face you can trust? Miss Louisa Lupin - unsuspecting temptress with unfortunate family ties |
September 2, 2018 – 3:12 PM
The Original Fake News
| Discover Your *SEPTEMBER* Horoscope! | ||
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September 2, 2018 – 3:12 PM
The Original Fake News
| A Correction It was brought to our attention following last week's featured article "Pettigrew Leaves Quidditch" that while the Whitledge family have been residents of Wellingtonshire for the majority of the year, Mr. Handsome Whitledge himself was officially absent from the village and living in London from the 15th of June until the 4th of August. While this may seem to directly contradict the theory of Mrs. Pettigrew's misdeeds laid out in our previous article, our fact-finding team has pointed out that Mr. Handsome Whitledge was seen in Hogsmeade on August 2nd, prior to his formal return, for purposes unknown. It is possible that Mr. Whitledge may have made other visits to the town either before or after the fog choked the area off entirely, and as Mrs. Pettigrew and Mr. Whitledge were clearly already acquainted (having played on the same team and attended regular practices together for months), the timeline required for any sort of liaison is somewhat less than might otherwise be considered necessary. Finally, we at Witch Weekly strive to be on the cutting edge of journalism and always deliver our readers the absolute latest news. Occasional mistakes when it comes to minute details must not detract from the high quality content we consistently deliver overall. |
September 2, 2018 – 3:13 PM
The Original Fake News
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