Issue #183 - 5 Long-Buried Scandals You Should Remember
June 10, 2018 – 4:05 AM
The Original Fake News
June 10, 2018 – 4:06 AM
The Original Fake News
| Why did Mr. Whitledge go to the PSYR Recruitment Luncheon? | What You Missed at the Pendergast's School Recruitment Luncheon The Pendergast's School for Young Roses held their annual recruitment luncheon on June 6th. A networking event for future and former students, this was an opportunity for Mrs. Evelyn Abercrombie to show off how she's stewarded the school after the death of her mother.  After Mrs. Olivia Pendergast died in 1887, her daughter, Mrs. Evelyn Abercrombie, took over PSYR.
However, the effectiveness of Mrs. Abercrombie's teaching style will not be obvious until we see who of her graduates makes a match. Who was in attendance at the luncheon?Former PSYR student Mrs. Hannah Pettigrew left her cavern of solitude to attend the luncheon, perhaps signaling that she intends to be involved in the season this year. Also in attendance: her husband, Mr. Thom Pettigrew. Will we be seeing the Pettigrews as a couple more often this summer? Also in attendance was Head Girl Miss Katherine Midford, perhaps signaling that her parents consider her to require more finishing. Weirdly, Miss Midford primarily spoke with Head Boy Handsome Whitledge during the luncheon. Were the two involved during their seventh year? We think so, and our sources have revealed that the pair has a secret agreement to get married - there's no other evident explanation for Mr. Whitledge's attending the event! Hopefully Mrs. Abercrombie manages to protect Miss Midford's dignity before it's destroyed by the inevitably-callous Quidditch player, Mr. Whitledge! |
June 10, 2018 – 4:06 AM
The Original Fake News
| Mister Rosier is reported as being quite close to his mother. A fine trait to find in a husband! | Bachelor Highlight: 10 Facts About Enoch Rosier With the new season in full swing, many debutantes are actively seeking to attract a husband. It has come to this reporters attention that one Mister Enoch Rosier might have begun his search for a potential bride. Twenty-eight years old, he is quite eligible for a younger debutante.  With dark hair, blue eyes and aristocratic features, Mister Enoch Rosier is quite enjoyable to look upon!
1. His birthday is March 28th, making him an Aries!Aries are known for being courageous, willful and confident. Such traits no doubt make the young man quite adept at his job as an auror! 2. He was a Slytherin from the class of 1878. Other graduates of his year include the late Bennet Potter, the twins Fitzroy and Felix Prewett and Charles Macmillan! 3. He is an only son and thus his parents heir. Mister Rosier is set to be his family's heir considering that he is their only son! While this may not be an ideal pursuit for the debutante seeking to have numerous children, he is definitely bound to be financially secure. 4. He is quite close to his sisters and mother. By all accounts, Mister Rosier holds his sisters and mother in high esteem. A worthy trait to find in a man. The more wily debutante might fight it fruitful to earn the approval of the most important women in Mister Rosiers life. 5. He is an auror. While not the ideal occupation for ones husband to have - and an unusual one for a wealthy heir - it is a worthy occupation nonetheless. One should be quite prepared to be a young widow, however. 6. His wand is made of rosewood. Rosewood wands are said to represent love and purity - it would be quite interesting to discover what this means in the case of Mister Rosier! 7. He stands quite tall at six feet! Debutantes of a taller breed than what is average might find Mister Rosier's height very desirable should she have a desire not to tower over her husband. 8. He has won professional dueling competitions! Mister Rosier has proven quite adept at using his wand and no doubt would make quite the protective husband with the skills to back it up. 9. Mister Rosier has a propensity for cleanliness. It has been reported that Mister Rosier highly prefers cleanliness so a more sloppy debutante would not be an ideal match for him - or for anyone, really. 10. Mister Rosier spent six months touring the continent. Like many young men of his station, Mister Rosier spent six months broadening his horizons before picking up an occupation (despite there no need for him to do so!). No doubt he has many tales to tell the lucky debutante that ensnares him. |
June 10, 2018 – 4:07 AM
The Original Fake News
 Mr. Tybalt Lestrange is the brother of current Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, Lucius Lestrange.  Mr. Argus Scrimgeour has three children: Miss Araminta Scrimgeour, Miss Annabelle Scrimgeour, and Mr. Julius Scrimgeour. | 5 Long-Buried Society Scandals You Should Remember 1. Mr. Tybalt Lestrange committed the mass murder of thirteen Ministry employees (including his brother) in 1875, and was given the dementor's kiss after his memorable escape from the Asylum in 1885. However, we have still not been able to uncover how Mr. Lestrange managed his escape, or what motivated him on either occasion. Perhaps he was helped to escape by his children, Mr. Tiberius Lestrange and Miss Tatiana Lestrange - and haven't we all noticed that Mr. Tiberius Lestrange is a tad unnerving? Perhaps he inherited his father's schemes, and was trying to take over the Ministry for the Lestrange dynasty! 2. Mr. Argus Scrimgeour was fired from the aurors in the 1860s for reasons previously undisclosed. Our sources believe that we've come up with the reason: Mr. Scrimgeour had a far too close relationship with soon-to-be Minister Faris Spavin, leading to rumors that they were... intimate. To cover up their illicit past, Minister Spavin had Mr. Scrimgeour fired. No wonder Mr. Scrimgeour could not keep his family together! 3. Mr. August Echelon-Arnost was engaged to Miss Lyra Potter before she "died" in 1883. He was even, according to our sources, involved in the search for her body - which obviously wasn't really found! Could Mr. Echelon-Arnost not stomach looking at the supposed body of his dead fiancee, or did he have more nefarious motives? Perhaps Mr. Echelon-Arnost found out about Miss Potter's notorious misbehavior during her school years, and decided that he was better off with his fiancee 'dead' than breaking off the engagement properly! 4. The failed seasons of Miss Nimiane Bellchant. By all accounts a charming young lady, Miss Bellchant was simply hindered by her status as a squib - or was she? Miss Bellchant was engaged in 1879, and it looked promising until the rumors started that she was a squib. Our sources revealed that Miss Bellchant started the rumors about herself, and that she may or may not actually be a squib - she just didn't want to get married! 5. The estrangement of the Wright family. Mr. Jude Wright, known weird politico, became estranged from his parents in 1882. While everyone seemed to think that Mr. Wright was going to be disowned, it seemed to never happen - perhaps the former lawyer put something in his father's will which barred his parents from cutting him out? |  Mr. Echelon-Arnost has several siblings, including Mrs. Elsbeth Lupin.  Miss Nimiane Bellchant is an Irvingly resident.  Mr. Wright was his parents' only child. |
June 10, 2018 – 4:07 AM
The Original Fake News
| Opinion Piece: Men Are Thinking With Their Hearts—Not Their Brains! (And What This Means For You!) | |
| As the nineteenth century continues to near its end, so too does the requirements for a gentleman’s wife, apparently! In recent years we’ve seen a number of lesser women capture the attention of well-bred gentleman, which, depending on your perspective, might appear more or less a good thing! However, I daresay that the lax requirements will prove dangerous as time goes on—and it may even prove to be the downfall of good society altogether! Especially in the minds of ladies who grew up in less affluent circles, less requirements may prove good for their prospects; however, for women from wealthier families—and especially for the families of the misguided gentlemen—such a notion may induce an unquellable anxiety! For hundreds of years, strict societal expectations have prevented a baker's daughter like Miss Magdalena Backus—now Mrs. Magdalena Byrne—marrying into the perhaps notorious but by no means poor Connolly family, nor would it have allowed Mrs. Hannah Pettigrew—the daughter of a known criminal!—to find herself with wife of quidditch sponsor Mr. Thom Pettigrew. However, with failing morals and the prevalence of love matches, social circles have begun mixing in a manner that has left well-bred women uncertain of whether there will be any gentleman left to marry! The notion of blood purity has always been a controversial one, but few would argue that allowing species to mix, such as the marriage of Mr. Andrew Lyness (a wholly respectable wizard, and a wealthy one at that!) to the veela, Mrs. Juniper Lyness, should be readily accepted by any member of good society. The fact that laws have not been implemented that would force an annulment just proves what influence liberal politicians have had on the sanctity of marriage! |
In even more recent days, rumors have been abound that healer-in-charge and wealthy heir Mr. Richard Gladstone has harbored romantic—and by all means inappropriate, given the laundry list of scandalous accusations against her—inclinations towards the now-destitute Miss Annabelle Scrimgeour. Such whispers do little to refute what has become clear with previous cases: gentleman are putting less weight on reputation and wealth in favor of a love match. Even more concerning is the reports of famed foreign seer, Miss Ines Valentine, whose claims of predicting romantic pairings have captivated the public in recent weeks! There is so much to lose and so very little to gain from putting weight on such folly. What happens claims are made that a gentleman of good repute and fortune is destined to find love with a common whore? Or worse—what if a woman of good breeding becomes fully convinced that her soul-mate is her father’s valet? How can a marriage be full of mutual respect—which, in my good opinion, is far more desirable than the temporary flame of a handsome beau—if a wife is no more educated in matters of society than a common housemaid? So to any young woman of lesser privilege who desire a husband of immense wealth: think carefully before accepting a proposal from a man above your station. While the allure of extravagance and the finer things may seem irresistible to a young, impressionable mind, any marriage will quickly prove volatile—for once your enraptured beau begins to see his new wife is a lesser compared to his sisters and friends’ wives, he will begin to harbor a sort of resentment towards you. (And a marriage of one-sided resentment is certainly one you'd wish to avoid.) |
June 10, 2018 – 4:07 AM
The Original Fake News
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