Kieran said he knew, but Jude was sure that he didn't. Kieran didn't know why he was trying. And maybe Jude tried with everyone - would always feel obliged to try and help, to try and understand - but Kieran clearly couldn't see that it wasn't just an obligation to Jude. Maybe it was more than want, but the need this had become, the having to do this, was borne of something more than logic or ethos or conscious choice. The need was sheer instinct now: an impulse in his gut, the blazing in his chest. He couldn't imagine any alternative, couldn't imagine what the world would be like if Kieran was not in it and Jude was not somewhere by his side.
This was not to say Kieran wasn't still the most infuriating person he had ever met. Here he was, a cheerful pessimist, sharp-edged but so very gentle, committed to things he didn't believe in, constantly making things harder for himself and brimming, always, with contradictions. He didn't make trying easy.
And somehow, it was.
He couldn't put this truth into words, though, so he settled for a look - and even then, didn't expect Kieran to understand. (Couldn't begin to imagine how Kieran would react if he did understand.)
"No, but I want to," Jude answered instead, sincere as ever, but trying to be lighter about it so that everything else he wanted didn't spill out with their sudden seriousness. "So you know you can't really stop me," he added with a fond smile, and reached over with his free hand to straighten Kieran's flower crown by nudging one of the black roses up a little higher on his curls, because apparently he couldn't always stop himself, either.
(Kieran could stop him from trying to help or to figure him out, if he asked, if he ever changed his mind about letting Jude in. But as long as he didn't, Jude would be here.)
This was not to say Kieran wasn't still the most infuriating person he had ever met. Here he was, a cheerful pessimist, sharp-edged but so very gentle, committed to things he didn't believe in, constantly making things harder for himself and brimming, always, with contradictions. He didn't make trying easy.
And somehow, it was.
He couldn't put this truth into words, though, so he settled for a look - and even then, didn't expect Kieran to understand. (Couldn't begin to imagine how Kieran would react if he did understand.)
"No, but I want to," Jude answered instead, sincere as ever, but trying to be lighter about it so that everything else he wanted didn't spill out with their sudden seriousness. "So you know you can't really stop me," he added with a fond smile, and reached over with his free hand to straighten Kieran's flower crown by nudging one of the black roses up a little higher on his curls, because apparently he couldn't always stop himself, either.
(Kieran could stop him from trying to help or to figure him out, if he asked, if he ever changed his mind about letting Jude in. But as long as he didn't, Jude would be here.)
